Diary of a Mad Black Actor

Photo Credit:  Francesca www.xoxocesca.com

The pain of a throbbing big toe woke me in the middle of the night. I didn't even know I'd hurt it running until it felt like a searing hot iron touched to tender skin.

I stifle tears, praying away the sharp ache.  Sleepless and disturbed, the physical pain oddly unlocks a hidden vault - in my heart.

I thought of a recent conversation with a director.

"You don't seem angry," he said.

"I'm not," I answered, puzzled. The script hadn't called for the character to be mad.

"I thought all black women were angry," he stated.

Really? Just because I'm black? 

Awakened by pain, my heart began to speak. I. am. angry.  Raging. burning. achingly mad. 

Because you don't see me when you are creating projects.  It doesn't even occur to you that your cast is full of faces that look like Taylor Swift's.

"Your lips..." the makeup artist says to me, uncomfortably.

"What about them?" I ask, naively.

She struggles to explain. 

"Let me show you how to make them look smaller, um, not so....dark. They don't bother me," she wants me to understand, "But the director might want you to...do something about them."

She uses concealer to completely cover my lips. Then redraws a smaller outline with a light brown pencil. Fills them in with dewey lipstick.

Smaller. Lighter. Pinker.

"Now you can do it yourself....if you get complaints."

Humiliated. I am camera ready.

Praying that my hair and makeup don't rebel under the hot lights, I deliver my lines through the new, less offensive lips.

At home, I scrub off the fake face.  There they are:  full, dark, bold lips. I get them from my daddy. His are nearly black; soft. He once told me that as a young man he thought he was ugly.

Guess no one ever showed him how to draw a mask over his face...

I try to smile at the reflection in the mirror.

Raging. burning. aching pain.

Because you demand my gratitude at creating this mask. Require my devotion for a minute on the screen. Expect my admiration at what a saint you are for casting a sister.

"Yes, massa, you a good man."

On set, I make jokes to ease the tension of being the token black. We don't know how to act around each other.

You're afraid of me...hiding it behind an embrace, telling everyone, "Look, isn't she beautiful?" like a trophy on display.

I can tell you're irritated that I've invaded your space; that my mere presence demands...something. You quickly insert me in a scene. Feed me a few lines, or feature me prominently.

So that no one can accuse you of being racist.

I can tell you're upset. Because my look, my skin - the color of roasted coffee - "pulls focus" against the spray tans. blondes. blue eyes.

I want to go to sleep. Tomorrow I'll smile again through the painted-on pink lips...so that you don't reject me as just another mad, black actor.

Like the suppressed energy of an earthquake that splits the ground open and quickly diffuses, the raging, burning, aching pain settles back into its vault.

Quiet on the set, please.

Website Launch! Blog Moving

Shay's blog moving to www.shayholland.com

Beyond excited to share that I've launched my new website!  That means I've moved my blog there.  I can't tell you how much it has meant to have your support as I've been writing here these last few years.  While I won't be posting here after this month, my new website will better showcase my entertainment industry work for casting directors and others.  

I have a sense of big things coming very soon and can't wait to share them with you. May you be blessed beyond measure, pressed down, spilling over this holiday season!

 --- 

Shay's new blog:  www.shayholland.com

Twitter:  www.twitter.com/shayholland

p.s. hit me up on Twitter and I'll follow you back!

Chris Hemsworth - What to Look for in a Man

Photo:  People Magazine 2014

Today: this face on magazine stands around the world.  Despite the Twitter chatter that other stars should have received the title, in my book Chris Hemsworth is the "Sexiest Man Alive."

He's even sexier in person.  I had a chance to meet Chris last Oscar season at a screening for his film, Rush, hosted by the Directors Guild.  The PR team emphatically stated Chris would not be signing autographs or taking photos.

I happened to be in one of the front rows and before his handlers could whisk him off stage, Chris was taking selfies with us and signing pictures. Thor up close - sexy? Um, speechless. 

Photo:  People Magazine 2014

Besides the fact that he's hot, Chris seems to have qualities that would make for an ideal mate.  He's married but if you're looking for more than a Tinder hook-up, here are five traits I saw in Chris that would make any guy the sexiest man alive:

1.  He's humble about his looks.  
Chris honestly didn't seem to notice or care how hot he is.  Maybe it's the scruff or the tousled hair or the not-too-shredded muscles - but he doesn't seem like one of those guys who spends half his time at the gym or in front of a mirror.  That translates into knowing you'll get his attention, whether in the bedroom or the boardroom.

2.  He's gracious.
Chris could have walked off the stage shielded by his handlers but you could tell he wanted to be gracious to the audience.  I'm sure he hates getting mobbed by fans but he seems to accept it as part of the cost of fame.  He doesn't seem to let the adoration get to his ego.  A gracious guy is one who makes others feel significant instead of insisting the spotlight always be on him.

3.  He can laugh at himself.
Chris laughed often during the Q&A and it was easy to feel happy and upbeat listening to him.  Ever been with a guy where you're always afraid you'll say the wrong thing and set him off? No one's worth that much work. A sense of humor goes a long way during stormy times.

4.  He's authentic.
Chris didn't seem to be worried about protecting an image.  He's doesn't act like Thor in real life; he has soft spots.  The guy who never appears weak? The mystery may seem alluring initially but you'll eventually find yourself pounding on the wall he's built around his heart. A truly sexy man doesn't need a false version of himself to attract others.

5.  He honors his wife and family.
Chris probably gets hit on constantly but I loved how he honored his wife even when she wasn't around. He didn't try to come across as a stud. He wasn't ashamed of the ring on his finger.  A man who honors those around him? Sexy times 100.

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From Weddings to Weight Loss - What Solange Shows Us

Photo:  Vogue

Before she whipped Jay Z, I had never paid much attention to Solange Knowles. Now, of course, the world knows not to mess with Beyoncé's little sister. 

And now, with her unconventional white wedding in Vogue, she's the star of her own beautiful, blazing moment.  

Solange thrashed the wedding rule book: the bike ride to the ceremony, the guests in white, the caped gown - showing us all that sometimes the best way to rock your life is by defying everything you've been taught. 

Speaking of vows...In a few weeks, we'll be inundated with ads from the billion-dollar diet industry seeking our dollars to help with our New Year's resolutions.  It might be time to take a page from Solange's playbook and say:  Screw your rules.

From weddings to weight loss, sometimes you have to be the game-changer.

Ditching the rules - and the scale - helped me lose 50 pounds after failing horribly with traditional dieting methods.  If common diets have left you starving, fatter than ever and burned out, why not take a note from Solange?  Forget the formulas. Do it your way.   

Below are some articles and blog posts I've written with unconventional ideas for weight loss:

Throw Away Your Scale to Lose Weight for Life

When Fat Is Not Beautiful two-part blog series

Detox the Emotions Keeping You Unhealthy

You can bet when it's my time for nuptials, I'm following Solange's lead and re-writing the story there, too.  Congrats to the couple!  

Photo:  Vogue

 

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Before She Broke the Internet

Photo:  Paper Magazine 2014

Before she tried to break the Internet, we broke secrets of Kim Kardashian's flawless looks. 

Kim has featured some of her favorite places in my Santa Monica neighborhood on her reality show.  I was astonished when I ran into her that she is quite gorgeous and even more petite than me, except her booty!

During a recent season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, I interviewed celebrity beauty expert Dana Waldie about treatments and products stars like Kim use to get their red carpet looks.  

Check out the links below for tips on everything from choosing makeup to help you get that celebrity glow to determining the best facial treatment for your skin type. 

Keeping Up with the Kardashians beauty series:

Part 1:  Look younger without injections

Part 2:  What it's like working on a TV set

Part 3:  Expert tips for a flawless face

Part 4:  How to get the best facial for you

Is there really any value in Kim's full frontal strip show for Paper magazine?   True beauty isn't measured by the junk in your trunk but by the light of a soul set ablaze.  Still, no harm in stealing a few A-list beauty secrets.

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Runways and Red Carpets

Victoria Beckham.  Photo:  Elle Magazine 2014

Bring on the spice! Over the past year, I've been working with stylists and makeup artists and health experts who make the stars look so good.  They've been sharing secrets from the runway to the red carpet. 

I was never one of those girls who's obsessed with fashion or makeup or perfectly flat abs. Now I have a new appreciation for the creative ones who work in those industries. Instead of shunning the culture of beauty, my goal has been to embrace it in a way that's helpful to women. 

One of the God-given desires of a woman's heart is to feel beautiful. I was being handed so many helpful ways that have transformed my confidence that I wanted to share them. Here's a compilation of videos with guests from my lifestyle webisodes. For more on any of the A-list tips, you can check out full videos on my YouTube channel.

I'm so grateful for you, creative ones. And for you, for sharing this beautiful adventure!

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Five Rookie Tips for Your First Half Marathon

Starting line of the San Francisco Marathon. July 27, 2014 photo: GameFace Media

 Fifty pounds ago, I dreaded when the elevator in my building broke down.

You know you're in bad shape when you decide to wait at Starbucks for the repair man to fix it rather than climb seven flights of stairs to your apartment.

Now, a year later, I just ran my first half marathon! Even raised money for a charity that helps wounded soldiers.

FROM HOLLYWOOD TO THE HAIGHT
On the flight from LA to San Francisco, I wrestled with fear of being escorted off the course on a stretcher. What was I thinking?! Maybe I could tell people my plane got hijacked...

Though the nerves never fully subsided, I finished the race in 2:12; fast enough to place in the top third of women in my age bracket and in the top half of all men and women.

Considering a year ago I hated climbing stairs, that's a miracle. Still, I felt post-race letdown from knowing I'd held back - partly because of the learning curve and partly because of fear of injury and failure.

Here are some lessons I learned, as well as products I used (unfortunately no one paid me) for other rookie runners.

Friends cheering me on at mile 6 of the San Francisco half marathon

1. Drink.
I decided to rely solely on the support stations for hydration. I don't carry water when I run in LA (my routes pass lots of drinking fountains) and the race was not the time to try to adapt to a bulky water belt (Geek alert: Google tips on how to run through water stations like a pro). While this worked for me, later runners complained of dry stations by the time they got there.

Also, volunteers had trouble keeping up with demand, meaning long lines. Runners impacted by the heat - the sun made a rare blazing appearance in a City famous for its summer fog - couldn't afford to skip stations. A runner in front of me collapsed a mile from the finish line.

No matter how many support stations, best to carry your own water - just in case.

2. Eat.
I ate a simple breakfast a couple hours before the race: trail mix with almonds, cranberries, raisins, a banana and an energy bar. Enough to prevent "hitting the wall" but not enough for a full stomach.

I didn't change my eating habits or carbo-load but I did carry a power bar during the race. Discovered about mile 7 why it wasn't the best choice - felt like swallowing pebbles AND made me thirsty.

While the course did have energy gel stations, I skipped those since I'd never used gels; best not to try anything new during a race.  

Whatever you choose for fuel, make sure it's easy to swallow like gummies. Some marathoners on YouTube suggest baby food in tubes. Whatever works.

3.  Pace.
Runner friends had warned me not to start too fast; don't want to hit the wall or be in pain later.

Unfortunately, I was way too cautious.

Big races are divided into waves, or groups, based on estimated finish time. Organizers put me in the last wave (about 3 hours) given factors like inexperience, age and gender.

I made a last-minute decision to move up a full wave as the race started but the pace was still slow for me. I wasted time learning protocol on the packed course: Is it ok to run in the grass to pass people? Do I need to stay in my wave? What if teams blocking the lanes won't move?

A lack of mile markers also caused problems. I was saving energy for the hills and last half, not realizing I was way further along than I thought. I usually sprint the last stretch so got ready to "kick it" - only to find I was literally crossing the finish line!

Talk about anti-climactic.

Make sure to have a good idea of your finish time. Training in the mountains, I focus on endurance (and avoiding mountain lions!) rather than speed so I had no idea of my race pace.

A smart watch might be a good investment; makes a huge difference knowing if you're at mile 7 or 10.

Melted my heart seeing "Go, Shay, go!!!" signs.

4. Tunes.
Race Organizers didn't want runners wearing headphones - makes sense safety-wise for a crowded urban event - so I decided to skip my tunes. I did wear a fanny pack to carry my phone and keys since there was no place to check valuables.  

I really wished I'd had my power jams (Jake Hamilton's top of my playlist) in the boring industrial areas. Running with music definitely helps but maybe use one ear bud.

5. Gear.
I'm not fussy about brands - comfort is key - but did upgrade a few things for the race.

One problem is finding good running socks for small feet. Scored with Experia Thorlo micro minis. Best $15 purchase ever. No slipping socks, no blisters.

While hot weather was forecast, it was cool and foggy at start time. I made a last-minute decision to wear the official polyester race jersey over my tank since I hate running cold.

If you do start out wearing long sleeves, consider something you can literally throw on the side of the road if you don't want to run with it tied around your waist (most races donate the left-behinds to shelters).  Just know it'll cost time re-pinning your bib.

Also, a note on hair and makeup (diva!). Hair in the eyes is a big distraction but baseball caps make your head hot and sweaty. I wore a pinned up ponytail and dab of makeup (Lancôme Teinte Idole foundation, lip gloss, mascara).

Bubble! San Francisco Marathon. photo:  GameFace Media

POST RACE
Can't beat finish line food and beer!  Coconut water, muffins, bananas and Sierra Nevada in the beer garden. Make sure to get a wristband at the pre-race bib pickup so you can skip the longer line to show I.D.

I was concerned about soreness as I could feel my quads straining on the steep downhills. Two days of stretching and rest and I was back on the trails.

I plan to run another race to push my limits.  There's a verse that keeps me going: Run the race that lies before us and never give up.*

Good luck on your rookie race!

---
So how did I go from hoarding chocolate chip cookies to running a half marathon? Read my weight loss story here: Feel Rich and here When Fat is Not Beautiful

*Hebrews 12:1

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10 Tips for Keeping it Classy from the Red Carpet

Catherine Zeta-Jones at the American Film Institute tribute to Jane Fonda. June 2014

classy \ adjective : having qualities that make someone special and attractive : showing impressive character (Merriam-Webster dictionary)
---
What makes a person classy?  Take Catherine Zeta Jones.  She's fought bi-polar disorder, a stormy marriage, a stalled career. Yet she still exudes class - not with a designer dress and diamonds, but with warmth and a wave.

So what's the difference between classy and trashy?  Here's a few things I've observed from the red carpet: 

1.  Classy people have mastered the art of flirting to make others feel special - not necessarily to get them into bed. 

2.  Classy people don't drink too much - both to avoid acting like a fool and long lines for the restroom. Squatting somewhere is never classy. Neither is peeing in a bucket, Mr. Bieber.

3.  Classy people aren't afraid to apologize, like Reese Witherspoon when she pulled the, "Do you know who I am?" line on a cop.   

4.  Classy people are kind even when others don't deserve it; no Alec Baldwin tantrums.  "Never sacrifice your class to get even with someone who has none." (author unknown)

5.  Classy people have a mystique that somehow commands it; that's why they can leave the see-through dresses to Rihanna.


6.  Classy people look others in the eye.  Besides, wearing sunglasses at night makes anyone look like a douche.  Except maybe Bono. And Stevie Wonder.

7.  Classy people end conversations graciously, even if they're talking to someone creepy.  

8.  Classy people wear panties in public. 

9.  Classy people aren't threatened by others' success and don't try to make anyone feel insignificant; they're secure enough to let you be fabulous.

10.  Classy people don't obsess over their fame; they see it mainly as a platform to do good and inspire the world.

And the bonus observation - classy people don't waste time trying to make others love them. Instead, they unselfishly love the ones who matter most.  

"Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuit of people [that don't even matter] to love us, while the people who do love us...watch us beg in the streets." (C. JoyBell)

Keep it classy.

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When the Path Looks Like a Dead End

Photo:  Seardig Photography on Etsy

You've been faithfully running toward the finish line - maybe pursuing a creative dream or losing weight - and you're finally seeing real progress. Yay!  You may only be taking baby steps but you're still moving forward.

...Only to find that your hard work and dedication has led to a crossroads:  quit or feel like you're going to die trying anymore.

You've got to make some decisions that will shape the next season of your life but you're beaten down by the sheer weight of chasing your dream. Discouraged. Broke. Too exhausted to even flash a grin at Jimmy Fallon who just walked past you at LAX (yes, that happened).

Like Dorothy and her entourage on the way to see the Wizard, you've hit the deadly poppy field.  The valley of dry bones. The graveyard where it will require a miracle to restore your vision.

Seven years ago when I moved to Hollywood, I went to a workshop for entertainment industry newcomers. The speaker, a TV and film veteran, spoke to us bluntly.

"Only a handful of you will still be here in a few years," he said.  "Of that handful, only about one percent will find success."

Ouch.

He wasn't trying to kill our dreams; he was trying to prepare us for the long, competitive road ahead.  He was reminding us that the race doesn't necessarily go to the strong and the mighty - or to the rich and well-connected - but to those who persevere.

So don't quit.  Make peace with God's pace. Keep moving forward.  We'll eventually make it to the place He intended all along. 

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Oscars-Inspired Looks

We all want to know the secrets to how the stars get that red carpet glow. With the Oscars this week, I interviewed a celebrity makeup artist about Oscars-inspired looks to do at home. Check out the video below.  

We also answer beauty questions you've asked on my Facebook page. Flaking mascara?  Dark undereye circles? Solutions to those problems and more for an A-list look - anytime you feel like it!

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Daring to Stay in the Race

getting on-camera ready

It's been almost a year since I left my day job to pursue TV hosting and acting full-time in Hollywood.  

Ironically, I hadn't planned to quit my marketing job that day.  In fact, my boss and I were meeting to discuss my big promotion.  But as we talked, I just got this sense of...seaweed. wrapping around my body. suffocating. salty tears. 

Then I heard this quiet, wavering voice. 

I think I need to give you notice.

Was that my voice?!?  Give up my private office with the dual monitors?  Company happy hours? Secret stash of neon Post-it notes?  No way. I need security. I need stability. 

I need...freedom...to chase a dream that won't. go. away.

And then my boss, saying:  Don't be a fool.

So incredibly foolish throwing away a golden opportunity...except when the opportunity is killing something inside that refuses to let you be happy until you find courage to embrace it.

This might be the most foolish thing I've ever done...but I need to leave.

It was finished. I was leaving the small company I had helped build the last five years.

Has it been tough?  Absolutely.  Do I regret my decision?  Absolutely not.

Of course, there have been costs.  Not gonna lie - I miss the little extravagances that don't come with a downsized budget. Spa mani/pedis. Victoria's Secret body wash. Salon shampoo. But those luxuries don't matter much in the big picture.

Of course, there are greater sacrifices - the emotional kind.  Loneliness (even if you don't miss your former boss' wakeup calls!).  Feeling misunderstood; friends seem to think you're "unemployed" and should be available 24/7. Self-doubt. Feelings of rejection when you get passed over - after four call-backs - for a part you were 100% right for.

At times it's just downright scary.

You know, money scary.  I'm one of those people who likes to pay my bills  all on the same day every month, no worries about late or skipped payments.  Goodbye to that system without a direct deposit.  And the car? It'll have to wait for that timing belt. But, Lord, what if it breaks down on the way to an audition?!  Then the phone falls out of your pocket.  And shatters...

But when breakthroughs come, well, those are priceless.  Booking a TV pilot.  Getting published on big websites. And today, waiting to hear back about the hugest network audition of my life, one I could never have imagined.

And of course, it's confidential for now. So you can't even share the victory of finally getting in the room...

Some days the greatest success is just having dared to stay in the race. Is it worth it?  You bet your purple pedicure.
 

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Dreams Fulfilled

Whether or not you believe dreams mean anything, I want to share one that carried a message I know wasn't just for me.

In the dream, I was standing at the back of a huge auditorium filled with people.  Hopeful dreamers, we had all come to try out for a single part in a story being brought to life by one of the world's most famous directors, a Steven Spielberg type.

The part was so crucial that the director himself had come to cast it.  

An assistant gave us unusual instructions. The audition would require no performance from us, not a single line.  As our name was called, we were simply to come stand in front of the director and his team.

As person after person was called, the director quickly dismissed them with a polite, "No thanks."

After hours of waiting, I decided to leave since I was in the back of the room. But just then my name was called.  I was having trouble getting through the crowd and the assistant was about to call the next name.  Then the director spotted me and waited until I reached the mark.

I didn't have time to compose myself but knew where to stand after seeing so many others go before me.  

The director gazed at me and then said softly, You're the one.  

He seemed to know that I had been waiting years for a turn that had never come. In a gentle voice, he said: 

Young lady, you need to know that when the honest cry of your heart is married to heaven's intentions, nothing can stop your dreams from coming true.

When I woke up, I could almost hear the words again. When the honest cry of your heart is married to heaven's intentions...

---
Praying you see doors open and dreams fulfilled in 2014!
 

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Awards Season & Body Image Video

Attending a screening of 'August: Osage County' with George Clooney, Julia Roberts & cast 

It's that time of year again - Hollywood awards season!  

The studios host screenings to boost their film's chances to take home statues at the Oscars, SAG Awards, Golden Globes and more. Being a member of the Screen Actors Guild pays for itself this time of year when invites outnumber spam in the inbox.

My co-host, Danika Brysha, and I sat a few feet from George Clooney, Julia Roberts and cast members of August: Osage County at a recent screening. 

Danika and I were celebrating our last night together in LA since she's heading East to rock the plus size modeling world. Before she left, we shot this video on handling body image issues. 

I've written pretty extensively on the topic here in my blog since it's been an on-going struggle for me and I know for many of you. You can read more by clicking "body image" on the topics section.  Also, I'm contributing to the health and fitness site, Feel Rich, so check that out for ideas about becoming your best self. 

Have a fabulous holiday season!

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When Fat is not Beautiful - Part 2

 photo: by Danika Brysha

Almost ready to launch a YouTube series with Wilhelmina models Danika Brysha!  Body image issues are paramount in our careers so when I saw the image above from a photo shoot, I wanted to share the story behind it.  

I wrote in, When Fat is Not Beautiful part 1, about the wakeup call that forced me to admit I was on my way to becoming obese.  People keep asking me how I lost weight so here's how I did it - without dieting or stepping on a scale!

--
Q:  What made you decide to lose weight?
I'd been a yo-yo dieter since I was a teenager but over the years I'd lost the energy and motivation to even try to maintain a healthy weight. I was in denial about how much I was gaining until I saw a family photo and didn't recognize myself in it.

Q:  How much had you gained?
About 50 pounds - which is hard to hide when you're only 5'2"!

Q:  Did you feel out of place working in Hollywood with women who are size 0-2?
Women here often lose too much weight but, yes, I did feel self-conscious. Unhappiness was a big factor. I was working a super stressful job that paid well but left no time for my TV career.  I'd go to bed in tears on Sunday dreading the pressure I'd face at work the next day.  I was eating meals at my desk, skipping exercise and numbing emotions with desserts from a nearby French bakery.

Q:  What made you realize you were out of control?
Last year I decided to exercise more.  I'd played sports in school so jogging seemed like a good place to start.  I thought I was going to have a heart attack after two blocks!  Morbid obesity runs in my family but I never thought it could happen to me.  Yet, without some sort of intervention, I had to admit that I could wind up like my relatives who died of weight-related causes. Fat is not beautiful when it's a killer.

Q:  So you went on a diet?
Well, I didn't know how to diet in a healthy way.  In the past, I'd starved to lose weight. I knew I needed to change my mindset if I was going to change my life for good.

Q:  What do you mean?
I needed to educate myself.  For example, I'd never paid attention to calories.  I thought I was eating healthy since I shopped at Whole Foods.  I was shocked to learn some foods packed a whopping 1,000 calories for the serving size I was eating!  I had to learn portion control; growing up that had simply meant stopping after the third or fourth plate at the all-you-can-eat-buffet!

Q:  Were you losing weight?
Not right away but that was okay since I didn't have the pressure of trying to see a number drop on a scale since I had decided not to weigh myself.

Q:  Not weigh yourself? That doesn't add up!
The scale had always been 'the enemy.'  I wanted to weigh less than what those body mass charts recommended - like Zoe Saldana and other stars - but the scale always made me feel like a failure since I could never lose enough.  This time I judged success differently. When I ran four blocks instead of two, that was success.  When I chose vegetables instead of processed foods, that was success.

Q:  I can't wrap my mind around not weighing yourself or going on a diet to lose weight.
I know, it's counterintuitive. It took me a while, too, but I had to take the focus off a number - off of getting skinny - and focus on prolonging my life.

Q:  What else did you do?
I didn't make any changes unless I could maintain them for life.  That was a major shift because "bad" foods had been off-limits when my goal was to be thin at any cost.  For example, I didn't want to quit chocolate so I learned to savor small amounts.  It was a radical new relationship with food! 

Q:  So it was lifestyle and attitude changes?
Exactly.  And instead of coming from that place of condemnation and self-hatred like diets often make you feel, it came from treating myself well, being okay when I screw up, not hating myself because of my jean size.

Q:  So how did you know when you reached your goal if you don't know what you weigh?
The day I ran 13 miles.

Q:  Wow!  How long did that take?
I'd been running about a year at that point.  I needed time to develop a healthy relationship with exercise, too. I'd been compulsive about it in the past, like punishing myself for overindulging by working out until 3:00 a.m. Now, exercise is a gift I give myself; plus resting a day or two each week.  Running long distances takes time but I figure if my friends who are moms can do it, I can, too.

Q:  What would you tell someone who feels hopeless and hates their body?
Give yourself grace.  It's hard to look in the mirror and hate the image you see but be gentle with yourself.  Maybe like me, you need to heal your mind and spirit before your body can change.  Growing up I despised my thick 'runner's legs' as a date called them. hips. knees.  Now I celebrate that those parts of my body carry me to places I never dreamed.  You are special because you are God's divine creation, not because of how you look.  You are eternally loved.  You can do yoga or bike or diet all you want but those things can never show you heaven's view of you.

Q:  Anything else?
Change carries a price. I quit my day job. It was hard to give up the security but I had to in order to change my life and chase my dreams - that's another story though.
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Harder to lose weight than walk on water? Seems like it!  Read about the crisis of faith that led me to lose weight in When Fat is Not Beautiful here.  

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When Fat is not Beautiful

People who say losing weight won't change your life have probably never been fat. Really fat. Like when your company sends out a flyer about a pig roast and someone puts a picture of your face on it...

Obesity was hereditary in my family long before it became our national epidemic. Many relatives have died prematurely of weight-related causes. Stroke. Diabetes. Heart disease.

Fat is not beautiful when it is an ugly, unforgiving killer...

...like when the doctors cut off my grandmother's legs to try to save her from the ravages of diabetes. Like when I found a cousin collapsed on the stairs and thought she'd died in a fall. "When you got this much weight to carry," she said, "you gotta rest." (there were only about 20 steps). Like when my favorite uncle got burned up in a grease fire cooking foods doctors had warned him to stop eating.

About two years ago I saw a family Christmas photo and didn't recognize myself in it. Who moves to Hollywood and GAINS 50 pounds?! At just over 5' tall, there's not much room to hide the fact that you've put on the weight of a baby hippo.

But, hey, society said I could blame an obesity gene. hormones. poor school lunches. McDonald's. So I did.

Until I couldn't anymore.

One evening I decided to jog (something I hadn't done in about a decade)...made it a block and a half before I had to stop - breathing heavy, pulse pounding, afraid I might die of a heart attack on the sidewalk.

What had I done to myself?

No mystery there. High-stress job. Chained to a desk all day. Crappy diet. Lack of exercise. That stubborn obesity gene.

I've always been curvy - probably lost and gained 500 pounds in my life - but I knew this time that if something didn't change radically, I'd be the one collapsing on the stairs. 

I was at a crisis of fat. And faith.

See, I believed in God, even believed He could do miracles. But help me overcome a fat gene? Or a tub of hot-buttered movie theater popcorn? He had bigger problems than jiggly thighs.

And yet, without divine intervention, I saw myself lying in that hospital bed - body wracked with obesity-related diseases, legs cut off, heart straining to pump blood through clogged arteries.

Night after night I'd go to the beach, look up into the heavens and wrestle with my relationship with God. And Panda Express Orange Chicken. 

Scientists say our genes seal our future - sexual orientation, addict, cancer, obesity - set at birth. The Bible says with God we can conquer anything.

Scientists say for women of a certain age hormones virtually guarantee weight gain. The Bible says God is the author of our lives.

One night a story came to me. A wicked storm at sea. A boat of terrified fishermen. A ghost walking on the waves. "Jesus?" Peter, the impulsive one, is at a crisis of faith. "If it's you," Peter says, "bid me come to you." If it's you, Jesus, help me do the impossible...

"Come," Jesus says. 

We know what Peter does next...

In my neighborhood there's a place called the California Incline. For six years I'd watched ridiculously fit people run up that quarter-mile hill. 

Then leaving the beach one night, I looked up the hill and heard Peter's words echo in my heart. "If it's you, Jesus, bid me come..."

...A year later I run up that incline all the time - AND I'm getting ready for my first half-marathon!

Yes, the weight's gone but it was never about a number or a size.  I'll be writing more about the changes I made for a health and fitness website and hope my story will inspire others to wrestle with their faith when it comes to obesity.

Because losing weight may not only change your life, it may save it.

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Seem radical to throw away your scale and quit dieting to lose weight?  How it worked for me in part 2 of "When Fat is Not Beautiful," click here.

www.facebook.com/shayholland