Does God Care About Baseball?

Artwork:  Will Johnson

Yes. God cares about baseball.  Cares enough to show up at ballparks all the time. Answering prayers...often ones that have little to do with the game.

Not long ago I had an experience at AT&T Park like Ray in Field of Dreams.

A friend had convinced me to run the San Francisco half-marathon (the fact that I could run more than two blocks is a miracle in itself, story here).

I was excited to fulfill such a bold dream in the place I still call home; to run the streets where I'd lived; to run past AT&T Park where I would play hooky from work to watch the Giants.

The day of the race, a runner in front of me collapsed just as we ran alongside the stadium.  He didn't move. His chest lay flat, like there was no breath left in him.  Seconds seemed to be forevers.

"Stay with us, Eric!" his friends shouted, "Stay with us!"

I wanted to kneel next to him and breath air into his lungs but found only a silent prayer. God, please don't let him die!

There's a story in the Bible about this pool called Bethesda.  An angel would come stir the waters and divine healing would be released.

As the runner lay motionless, I glanced up at the glistening China Basin waters that flow along the ballpark's south walls.  And I saw the waters stir...

...I don't think that day was merely about a race.  Sometimes we're put in a place at a specific moment simply to whisper a prayer that changes things.

We just don't recognize life's most significant moments while they're happening.  Back then I thought, 'Well, there will be other days.' I didn't realize that that was the only day. ~ Field of Dreams

There outside the ballpark, I knew heaven had invited me into this moment; had entrusted me with the mystery of prayer. I felt His presence; a power greater than darkness or death. In that moment, I knew Eric would breathe again.

I also knew that I was supposed to finish the race. Yes, for myself - to celebrate the triumph of losing 50 pounds and restoring my health - but also for a stranger whose body failed him before he could cross the finish line.

Yes. God shows up at ballparks all the time.  Oh, I don't think He's betting on whether the Giants or Royals will win the World Series (that would hardly be fair!) but keep an eye on the waters...

They'll watch the game and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters.  ~ Field of Dreams

www.facebook.com/shayholland

How to Break Up and Keep Your Heart Intact

"Begin Again" Taylor Swift.

It is insanely painful. ~ Jennifer, on breaking-up

While Taylor Swift has mastered the art of channeling break-up pain through her music, when it happens to most of us, we just hurt. intensely. insanely. like we will never love again. ever.

Those of us who are the "loyal-like-Rihanna-is-to-Chris type" understand the dread of losing relationships.

It's over. Because you feel cheated. Tired of the constantly changing terms.

Sing it, Taylor, girl:

You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game but you changed the rules everyday. 
("Dear John" by Taylor Swift)

Endings always leave an empty space.

Recently I was walking out a very real heartache as a friend messaged:  He hurt me today deeply.

She shared of one of those moments when the earth drops out from under you – a time for tissues, Häagen Dazs and girlfriends.

Yet, amid the tidal wave of emotions, I could hear love. Demanding. Shouting. YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN.

How?  How do you mend a heart that's shattered into a million pieces?

My friend knew she'd done the right thing breaking up with a man who was not meant to be her husband.  And there in her pain, came perspective so many of us need to hear.

Even though he may be a great man, he may not be YOUR man.

Loving yourself may mean having the courage and fortitude to let go. And be alone.  It may mean eating dinners alone. Nights alone. Holidays without him at your side.

In our hearts, we know spending a lifetime with someone we're not meant to be with would be worse than breaking up.  But, oh, it is insanely, intensely painful and lonely. RIGHT NOW.

And indeed, you will have doubts every day, says Jennifer.

I try to think of some word of comfort.  Some verse of hope.  Some promise from heaven. And all that comes out is...

"Time WILL heal the wound. Life WILL be beautiful again."

...trying to decree healing where right now there's only broken pieces.

Shut the door.  Eat M&M's until your fingers turn rainbow shades. Weeping may endure for the night. But in the morning, wake up expecting a new chapter to begin.  Because that is His promise.

And when you feel like you're finally starting to breathe on your own, love will come knocking. Daring you to open the door ever so slightly.  And you will find that your heart has healed and reawakens to something new...reshaped through pain, readied to love again.

Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again. 
 
~Taylor Swift, "Begin Again"

Runways and Red Carpets

Victoria Beckham.  Photo:  Elle Magazine 2014

Bring on the spice! Over the past year, I've been working with stylists and makeup artists and health experts who make the stars look so good.  They've been sharing secrets from the runway to the red carpet. 

I was never one of those girls who's obsessed with fashion or makeup or perfectly flat abs. Now I have a new appreciation for the creative ones who work in those industries. Instead of shunning the culture of beauty, my goal has been to embrace it in a way that's helpful to women. 

One of the God-given desires of a woman's heart is to feel beautiful. I was being handed so many helpful ways that have transformed my confidence that I wanted to share them. Here's a compilation of videos with guests from my lifestyle webisodes. For more on any of the A-list tips, you can check out full videos on my YouTube channel.

I'm so grateful for you, creative ones. And for you, for sharing this beautiful adventure!

www.facebook.com/shayholland

No Prayer Is Ever Wasted - #bringbackourgirls

Did you know there are bottles in heaven that hold our tears?*  I imagine some are filled with the tears of families whose girls were kidnapped in Nigeria. 

Visiting Nigeria has been on my bucket list since my family traced our lineage through DNA tests.  Before news of the kidnappings broke, I'd started researching the Kanuri tribe, where our bloodline originated.  

News that the kidnappers spoke Kanuri left me feeling sick - a sense of violation that brothers I had never met had done something so twisted to sisters I had not yet known.

As journalists, we often walk a line between our acute awareness of danger and death and yet somehow feeling "shielded" in the midst of it.

Like so many others, that is my prayer for the 230 Nigerian schoolgirls who were unable to escape - that somehow they will be shielded. And return home safely.

Prayer. Such a mystery.  Why does one plea meet with near instant manifestation of an answer and another seemingly goes unanswered?  Forever. 

I've thought a lot about prayer since covering the 2010 earthquake in Haiti - so many lives lost; so few prayers met with heaven's 'yes.'  And then on a return trip, doubt was erased after an experience that could have been deadly.

Our host had taken us to the pristine coast outside of Port-au-Prince.  On the way back, our truck broke down.  A storm was heading our way.  The sun was giving off its final golden rays.

We were in trouble.  The US State Department had warned travelers not to be out after dark due to a growing number of kidnappings.

"I have to get you off the road," our host turned to me - the only woman in our caravan of a half dozen Brazilian missionaries and an American EMT.

"I could never live with myself if..." his voice trailed off. Rape. Torture. God knows what.

I tried to stay hidden in the back seat while the men worked under the hood. It was one of those nights when you can feel evil in the air - like a pressure on your chest.  Breaths come shallow.  Nerves flinch at the slightest movement.

A man approached the truck.  Picked up a large rock.  I covered my face expecting the window to shatter.

Instead, he shoved the rock under the back tire to keep the truck from rolling.  He never said a word, just kept walking...

We found out once we had cell signals that two of us had received calls from friends overseas with the same message:  I don't know why, but I'm compelled to pray for you right NOW.

We later learned that kidnappers had abducted two people near where our truck broke down...

Will prayer help bring back the Nigerian schoolgirls?  Our prayers are not always answered in ways that makes sense to us...but no prayer is ever wasted.

*Psalm 56:8

www.facebook.com/shayholland





When the Path Looks Like a Dead End

Photo:  Seardig Photography on Etsy

You've been faithfully running toward the finish line - maybe pursuing a creative dream or losing weight - and you're finally seeing real progress. Yay!  You may only be taking baby steps but you're still moving forward.

...Only to find that your hard work and dedication has led to a crossroads:  quit or feel like you're going to die trying anymore.

You've got to make some decisions that will shape the next season of your life but you're beaten down by the sheer weight of chasing your dream. Discouraged. Broke. Too exhausted to even flash a grin at Jimmy Fallon who just walked past you at LAX (yes, that happened).

Like Dorothy and her entourage on the way to see the Wizard, you've hit the deadly poppy field.  The valley of dry bones. The graveyard where it will require a miracle to restore your vision.

Seven years ago when I moved to Hollywood, I went to a workshop for entertainment industry newcomers. The speaker, a TV and film veteran, spoke to us bluntly.

"Only a handful of you will still be here in a few years," he said.  "Of that handful, only about one percent will find success."

Ouch.

He wasn't trying to kill our dreams; he was trying to prepare us for the long, competitive road ahead.  He was reminding us that the race doesn't necessarily go to the strong and the mighty - or to the rich and well-connected - but to those who persevere.

So don't quit.  Make peace with God's pace. Keep moving forward.  We'll eventually make it to the place He intended all along. 

www.facebook.com/shayholland

Detox the Emotions Keeping You Unhealthy

My article below appears on the health and fitness site, Feel Rich, created by music mogul Quincy Jones' son!

--

Seems just about everyone's on some sort of health/weight loss kick - juicing, Crossfit, Paleo (Google 'caveman diet' if you don't know what it is). Goodbye, Krispy Kremes; hello, kale.

Even with all the tools, rules and resources available to us, the weight loss battle isn't won in the gym, it's won in our hearts. Heal the emotions, begin to heal the body.

The number on the scale isn't the real issue. Most of us - stats say up to 95% - will regain any weight we do lose.

So forget quick external fixes. Resolve to be gentle with yourself. Let go of condemnation and guilt. Give yourself grace.

These are three keys to begin detoxing emotions that may be keeping you unhealthy:

1. Be gentle with yourself.
Being gentle with yourself happens when you can stop laying blame and instead take responsibility for your health.

Our culture tells us fat is not our fault. Blame genetics. Stress. Metabolism. Hormones. TV. Medications...

After gaining nearly 50 pounds, I blamed a family obesity curse and a demanding job.

But truthfully, I needed to admit that I was a food addict who would choose Red Velvet cupcakes over lifting weights any day.

Saying "It's my fault that I'm overweight" is very different from saying, "I am responsible for doing something about my weight." The former causes you to look back; the latter faces you forward toward healing.

2. Let go of condemnation and guilt.
Science has proven that forgiving others and ourselves can help fight off diseases like depression, stroke and high blood pressure.

We just don't hear much about it largely because the multi-billion dollar weight-loss industry doesn't make money off of forgiveness - and we're too busy chasing empty promises.

One day as I was watching people run up a hill, the thought came to me, 'Who told you that you would always be fat?'

...the saleswoman who  bluntly told my mother no one sells size 14 dresses for little girls...TV viewers who said I was too fat...a co-worker who put my face on a pig roast invitation...

I'd been teased and bullied about my body for so long that I believed the lie that I could never. run. up a hill. Sobbing, my heart was finally released from the prison of self-hatred and guilt.

It's hard to look at yourself and hate what you see. To get free, you have to forgive - and that may include the person looking back at you in the mirror.

(Do not be ashamed if you need a therapist's help at this point.)

3. Give yourself grace.
"The number one reason people regain weight," says Dr. Jennifer Landa, "is the diet mentality. If we live in a state of constantly feeling deprived, we will eventually rebel."

Giving yourself grace is the opposite - a way to adopt a mindset of abundance and plenty.

I grew up afraid of starving. To escape that poverty mindset, I took a radical approach: I let myself eat anything I wanted for a week. ANYTHING.

Instead of spiraling out of control, you know what happened? Grace. I didn't have to fear starving anymore - not for food or love or forgiveness.

You'll find your new mindset spills over into wanting to rid yourself of destructive habits, excess stuff and even toxic relationships that don't support the best version of you.

 
---
As your spirit heals, you'll find that your body begins to tell you the healthy things that it wants; you may be hearing it speak for the first time.

You really can ditch the scale and lose weight from the inside out. Detox your emotions and you're well on the way to a life rich in health.

And that hill that left me in tears? I run up it all the time now.  

www.facebook.com/shayholland

'Ditch Your Scale!' - Lent Event: Getting Started

'Ditch Your Scale!' Lent event is underway over on my Facebook page.  Here's how to get started if you want to join us.  We're not going to be on a diet. No gimmicks. No short-term fixes. Just you and God on a faith-based journey to lifelong health for the next 40 days.

Most of these ideas are in my 'Getting Started' video and there are a few more below:

1.  Take starting weight/measurements if you want.

2.  Set aside time for a daily date with God.

3.  Ask God for a verse, poem, song, art, watever speaks to you about His love for you.

4.  Read my article, 'Throw Away Your Scale to Lose Weight for Life' about changing a deprivation mindset (www.feelrich.com).

5.  Journal.

6.  Ask others to pray for you, or join you!

7.  Seek God about setting healthy goals - but don't worry about making them happen just yet, we'll get to external changes later.

8.  I'll be posting healthy recipes from contributors, inspirational stories and more on my Facebook page - like it to join us daily.

Get creative!  I believe God has a plan tailored for you.  Come discover it!

www.facebook.com/shayholland

Ditch Your Scale! Lent event

Starting a health-focused Lent event tomorrow! The vision is to spend the 40 days of Lent on a faith-based journey toward lifelong health.

Here's how to get involved:

1. Commit to a RADICAL approach to health during Lent.  But get this - no fasting required!

Instead, we'll ditch our scales and entrust these areas to God...and end up healthier than ever. How? I'll share more later but there's insight in my article on the health & fitness site, Feel Rich (click here)

2. Share your creativity, passion & gifts.
You might have a song, a recipe, a verse, a fitness tip to encourage others. I'd love to share these on my Facebook page.

Here's more about 'Ditch Your Scale in my introductory video.

Starting on Lent March 5th, I hope you'll check out the videos and posts on topics like forgiveness and health, cultivating an abundant mindset, loving others to maintain health. Ditch your scale and get healthy for life!

www.facebook.com/shayholland

Oscars-Inspired Looks

We all want to know the secrets to how the stars get that red carpet glow. With the Oscars this week, I interviewed a celebrity makeup artist about Oscars-inspired looks to do at home. Check out the video below.  

We also answer beauty questions you've asked on my Facebook page. Flaking mascara?  Dark undereye circles? Solutions to those problems and more for an A-list look - anytime you feel like it!

www.facebook.com/shayholland

Daring to Stay in the Race

getting on-camera ready

It's been almost a year since I left my day job to pursue TV hosting and acting full-time in Hollywood.  

Ironically, I hadn't planned to quit my marketing job that day.  In fact, my boss and I were meeting to discuss my big promotion.  But as we talked, I just got this sense of...seaweed. wrapping around my body. suffocating. salty tears. 

Then I heard this quiet, wavering voice. 

I think I need to give you notice.

Was that my voice?!?  Give up my private office with the dual monitors?  Company happy hours? Secret stash of neon Post-it notes?  No way. I need security. I need stability. 

I need...freedom...to chase a dream that won't. go. away.

And then my boss, saying:  Don't be a fool.

So incredibly foolish throwing away a golden opportunity...except when the opportunity is killing something inside that refuses to let you be happy until you find courage to embrace it.

This might be the most foolish thing I've ever done...but I need to leave.

It was finished. I was leaving the small company I had helped build the last five years.

Has it been tough?  Absolutely.  Do I regret my decision?  Absolutely not.

Of course, there have been costs.  Not gonna lie - I miss the little extravagances that don't come with a downsized budget. Spa mani/pedis. Victoria's Secret body wash. Salon shampoo. But those luxuries don't matter much in the big picture.

Of course, there are greater sacrifices - the emotional kind.  Loneliness (even if you don't miss your former boss' wakeup calls!).  Feeling misunderstood; friends seem to think you're "unemployed" and should be available 24/7. Self-doubt. Feelings of rejection when you get passed over - after four call-backs - for a part you were 100% right for.

At times it's just downright scary.

You know, money scary.  I'm one of those people who likes to pay my bills  all on the same day every month, no worries about late or skipped payments.  Goodbye to that system without a direct deposit.  And the car? It'll have to wait for that timing belt. But, Lord, what if it breaks down on the way to an audition?!  Then the phone falls out of your pocket.  And shatters...

But when breakthroughs come, well, those are priceless.  Booking a TV pilot.  Getting published on big websites. And today, waiting to hear back about the hugest network audition of my life, one I could never have imagined.

And of course, it's confidential for now. So you can't even share the victory of finally getting in the room...

Some days the greatest success is just having dared to stay in the race. Is it worth it?  You bet your purple pedicure.
 

www.facebook.com/shayholland

When Fat is not Beautiful

People who say losing weight won't change your life have probably never been fat. Really fat. Like when your company sends out a flyer about a pig roast and someone puts a picture of your face on it...

Obesity was hereditary in my family long before it became our national epidemic. Many relatives have died prematurely of weight-related causes. Stroke. Diabetes. Heart disease.

Fat is not beautiful when it is an ugly, unforgiving killer...

...like when the doctors cut off my grandmother's legs to try to save her from the ravages of diabetes. Like when I found a cousin collapsed on the stairs and thought she'd died in a fall. "When you got this much weight to carry," she said, "you gotta rest." (there were only about 20 steps). Like when my favorite uncle got burned up in a grease fire cooking foods doctors had warned him to stop eating.

About two years ago I saw a family Christmas photo and didn't recognize myself in it. Who moves to Hollywood and GAINS 50 pounds?! At just over 5' tall, there's not much room to hide the fact that you've put on the weight of a baby hippo.

But, hey, society said I could blame an obesity gene. hormones. poor school lunches. McDonald's. So I did.

Until I couldn't anymore.

One evening I decided to jog (something I hadn't done in about a decade)...made it a block and a half before I had to stop - breathing heavy, pulse pounding, afraid I might die of a heart attack on the sidewalk.

What had I done to myself?

No mystery there. High-stress job. Chained to a desk all day. Crappy diet. Lack of exercise. That stubborn obesity gene.

I've always been curvy - probably lost and gained 500 pounds in my life - but I knew this time that if something didn't change radically, I'd be the one collapsing on the stairs. 

I was at a crisis of fat. And faith.

See, I believed in God, even believed He could do miracles. But help me overcome a fat gene? Or a tub of hot-buttered movie theater popcorn? He had bigger problems than jiggly thighs.

And yet, without divine intervention, I saw myself lying in that hospital bed - body wracked with obesity-related diseases, legs cut off, heart straining to pump blood through clogged arteries.

Night after night I'd go to the beach, look up into the heavens and wrestle with my relationship with God. And Panda Express Orange Chicken. 

Scientists say our genes seal our future - sexual orientation, addict, cancer, obesity - set at birth. The Bible says with God we can conquer anything.

Scientists say for women of a certain age hormones virtually guarantee weight gain. The Bible says God is the author of our lives.

One night a story came to me. A wicked storm at sea. A boat of terrified fishermen. A ghost walking on the waves. "Jesus?" Peter, the impulsive one, is at a crisis of faith. "If it's you," Peter says, "bid me come to you." If it's you, Jesus, help me do the impossible...

"Come," Jesus says. 

We know what Peter does next...

In my neighborhood there's a place called the California Incline. For six years I'd watched ridiculously fit people run up that quarter-mile hill. 

Then leaving the beach one night, I looked up the hill and heard Peter's words echo in my heart. "If it's you, Jesus, bid me come..."

...A year later I run up that incline all the time - AND I'm getting ready for my first half-marathon!

Yes, the weight's gone but it was never about a number or a size.  I'll be writing more about the changes I made for a health and fitness website and hope my story will inspire others to wrestle with their faith when it comes to obesity.

Because losing weight may not only change your life, it may save it.

---
Seem radical to throw away your scale and quit dieting to lose weight?  How it worked for me in part 2 of "When Fat is Not Beautiful," click here.

www.facebook.com/shayholland

Hotshots 6.30.13

Photo: City of Prescott AZ

One of the reasons I've moved away from strictly reporting hard news into TV hosting is that some stories now affect me in a way that kills a broadcast news career.  

Such is the case with the deaths of the 19 Prescott firefighters - The Hotshots.

Some of my first big stories as a reporter were covering National Forest Service hotshot crews for an Oregon TV station.  The station would often use stringers (freelancers) to get footage from remote mountain areas but if a fire threatened lives and structures, we got the assignment.

What had started as a controlled brush fire in Eastern Oregon was turning into a raging inferno when we got the call.  The fire was burning so hot, it had jumped a river.

A photographer and I met the captain at a base camp before heading to the fire line. We would follow him in our truck to get footage from a safe place; crazy that you can literally walk to the edge of a fire line and not even get singed. 

The scene at a wildfire isn't nearly as chaotic as when a building is burning in a densely populated city. I'm seldom afraid covering natural disasters and that day was no different.  We don't think about dying, we simply do our jobs.  This is what we signed up for.

"Get out! Get out now!"  There was no warning.  In a flash, the wildfire had shifted direction.  We were trapped by an inferno on three sides.

We raced to the trucks but turning a satellite rig around on a narrow dirt road is no simple maneuver.  We hit the bank, nearly tipping.  In these situations, it's not seconds that determine whether you live or die, it's a fraction of a second.

Reporting has made me aware there is no such thing as luck.  Luck cannot keep a truck upright, set its tires straight and turn it to exactly the right degree to slip through an inferno - in a fraction of a second.

For the Granite Mountain Hotshots, a fraction of a second was not enough time.

We ache with the families. I've spent the last few days bearing the weight of a sorrow that makes no sense in the natural. I've come to understand this unexplainable grief I feel over certain stories is a God thing - ironic for someone who spent half a lifetime running from Him. 

There's a spiritual definition called "intercession" but to me it's just means you literally feel heaven's burden on earth.  Yet, it isn't a hopeless grieving, but one that says there is divine purpose yet to be fulfilled.  We often can't see the greater reason but heaven can.

'What went wrong?'  In this intercession place, it's not a question to place blame but, like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene, pouring out the weight of sorrow.

Tears are of little use to a reporter; no weeping on the nightly news.  Foolish girl, my mind warns, Stop crying for strangers. And instantly the heart responds by shutting down.

Until the tears keep falling anyway...Tears won't bring back the Prescott firefighters  but they will honor the heroes who gave their lives on their last call. 6.30.13.
---  
A Facebook page has been set up in memory of the 19 Prescott firefighters. 

www.facebook.com/shayholland

Hope, Meet Miracle.

Soon the river that runs behind my brother's house in the Midwest will be frozen solid.  Visiting for the holidays, I found myself wishing the calendar said spring already.  

Instead...barrenness. 

Still, it was almost as if the bright winter light held a message.  Wait.  Something new is coming...at the right time. 

When you've waited a long time - years, decades - for a dream to be fulfilled, that place in your heart eventually starts to feel desolate.  

Maybe, like me, you've waited for a spouse.  Barren.  

Or a breakthrough.  Barren.  

Or a child.  Barren. 

And yet...hope holds on.

I'm not one of those "name it and claim it" Christians.  Faith is no guarantee every desire will be fulfilled.  But there are some that carry a promise; those ones will come to pass.  At the right time.

But how do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt whether a dream is a mere yearning or a sealed promise from God?

At the river bank, I see a glimpse past the barrenness - to spring; forests teeming with new life.  And somehow I know, again, that I'm standing on a promise.  There is a peace that comes when you trust a matter is settled in heaven.  

And you know an introduction is about to be made.  Hope, meet miracle.

www.facebook.com/shayholland

Mean Girls

Lindsay Lohan star of "Mean Girls."  Photo:  Humza 

A talent agent told me I come off too sweet. "Too 'pink,' not enough flavor," she said. "We need to see the naughty in you."

I can hear my childhood friends roaring with laughter.  I was a mean girl long before Lindsay Lohan.  

The trouble started in 1st grade with a new kid at school.  He  didn't fit in wearing Sunday clothes to school.  He cut in line at recess. I punched him.  He socked me in the eye.

By 4th grade I'd moved on to bullying - teachers. "Hey, guppy lips!"  I taunted one who had a mouth like Mick Jagger.  

Another time Mrs. L. broke down in tears as I led a class revolt against 'the witch.' 

By high school I was hanging out with a crew of misfits who cut class and drank Mickey's in the park. 

Despite the trouble, A's came easy.  "You're going to college," my dad insisted, shipping me off to the Ivy League with the warning, "I don't do bail once you're 18."   

Later as a crime reporter, I confronted killers, gang members, sleazy politicians, with the steeliness of a true mean girl. 

Yet God - radical love - had somehow begun to pierce a hardened heart. 

Too sweet? A friend put it best: "When you're looking for a brand of 'edgy' that is filled with desperation, despondency, depression and dejection and encounter a different brand of edgy filled with love, joy and peace it's difficult to deal with." 

www.facebook.com/shayholland

Failure. Grace.

Funny how the closer you get to a dream, the more impossible it can seem. The nearer the time of fulfillment, the greater the battle.

After working with a TV coach for two months, I'm ready to shoot my new reel (video to send casting directors). In Hollywood, the reel can unlock destiny.

To think this reel will open doors is nuts really.  I'm just one of thousands among many who are more talented/prettier/younger/sexier chasing the dream.   

I recently failed so badly, I almost quit.  The battle raged not with shouts, but whispers:  not good enough.  not worthy...

Back in journalism school, a professor advised us to write down our names before live broadcasts.  "The pressure," he warned, "can make you forget even that."  

Seemed like absurd advice.

And then it happened. I froze on camera.  Gratefully, only a studio audience witnessed it instead of countless TV viewers.

"What happened?" asked my coach.  "I didn't expect you to freeze."  

Neither did I.  Unscripted TV's always been my strength.  I'm used to adlibbing, no teleprompter, thanks to years of covering breaking news. 

I lay awake tormented by fear and a perfectionism that can neither forget nor forgive such a fundamental blunder.  And then...a new whisper:

Sometimes failure is the gateway to My grace.

But what if it happens again?  On live TV?  What if the failure is so great, people won't forget it? 

My grace is sufficient.

This grace - there is only way one to know it.  It requires moving forward when every impulse screams quit.  And soon you discover grace is fighting the battle for you.

www.facebook.com/shayholland

Almost Jump Time!

Three days until the big jump!  Of course, the news would keep showing video of the 80-year-old grandma's near fatal skydive when her harness malfunctions...*

Still, we're ready (my jump partner is an EMT I met heading to Haiti after the  earthquake).  I'm more worried about the heat. It's supposed to get up to 110 at the drop zone - could be trouble for someone used to 70 degree coastal temps.

Skydiving Magazine says freefall doesn't feel like the roller coaster drop most people expect so that makes me less nervous.  They say freefall is more like "a comfortable sensation of floating; the closest thing to human flight." 

So why skydiving?  I'm still trying to answer that question but maybe it just comes down to this:  adventure.  

Whether reporting in a disaster zone or caring for orphans in a Third World slum, adventure forces me to draw on my faith in ways ordinary life doesn't.  Away from our comfort zones, we're far more dependent on God and can sense a grace higher than any adrenaline rush.

Who knows, maybe facing fear opens the door for greater grace?  And grace always precedes great exploits.  

A demon-possessed man who lived in tombs?  Grace restored.  

A soldier whose ear got cut off ambushing Jesus?  Grace healed.  

A woman caught in adultery?  Grace forgave. 

And a grandmother who almost died skydiving?  Grace saved.

Grace and skydiving? Who knows.  In any case, I like what the thrill-seeking grandma said to a reporter who suggested safer hobbies: "Knitting is boring." 

***

Grandmother's near fatal skydive:

http://www.wtsp.com/news/national/article/256956/81/Grandmother-talks-about-terrifying-skydiving-jump

www.facebook.com/shayholland

Haiti!

Haitian children from our 2010 trip (Scott Mortensen photo)

"This is a moment in history in which I've been invited to play a role. How can I say no?"  I wrote those words two years ago in the face of unthinkable tragedy.  Haiti.  A massive earthquake. More than 200,000 lost lives...

I will never forget landing in Port-au-Prince.  Despite the devastation everywhere, the primitive conditions, the threat to our safety, it somehow felt like the place I belonged.

Now I am returning.

I leave in two weeks with a paramedic I met on the 2010 relief team.  We'll be working with a friend who lives in Haiti and runs an organization that's rebuilding schools and churches.

I wish I could give some profound reason for the trip; something redemptive. But honestly? Disappointment from 2010 still lingers.  Instead of seeing lives and limbs healed, we often saw far more loss than anyone could help.  Instead of seeing miracles, we saw far more sorrow than anyone can comprehend...

Instead of being disillusioned in God though, I asked our translator to teach me a Creole phrase: "Map vini an Ayiti anko." It means, "I will return to Haiti." 

www.facebook.com/shayholland