Diary of a Mad Black Actor

Photo Credit:  Francesca www.xoxocesca.com

The pain of a throbbing big toe woke me in the middle of the night. I didn't even know I'd hurt it running until it felt like a searing hot iron touched to tender skin.

I stifle tears, praying away the sharp ache.  Sleepless and disturbed, the physical pain oddly unlocks a hidden vault - in my heart.

I thought of a recent conversation with a director.

"You don't seem angry," he said.

"I'm not," I answered, puzzled. The script hadn't called for the character to be mad.

"I thought all black women were angry," he stated.

Really? Just because I'm black? 

Awakened by pain, my heart began to speak. I. am. angry.  Raging. burning. achingly mad. 

Because you don't see me when you are creating projects.  It doesn't even occur to you that your cast is full of faces that look like Taylor Swift's.

"Your lips..." the makeup artist says to me, uncomfortably.

"What about them?" I ask, naively.

She struggles to explain. 

"Let me show you how to make them look smaller, um, not so....dark. They don't bother me," she wants me to understand, "But the director might want you to...do something about them."

She uses concealer to completely cover my lips. Then redraws a smaller outline with a light brown pencil. Fills them in with dewey lipstick.

Smaller. Lighter. Pinker.

"Now you can do it yourself....if you get complaints."

Humiliated. I am camera ready.

Praying that my hair and makeup don't rebel under the hot lights, I deliver my lines through the new, less offensive lips.

At home, I scrub off the fake face.  There they are:  full, dark, bold lips. I get them from my daddy. His are nearly black; soft. He once told me that as a young man he thought he was ugly.

Guess no one ever showed him how to draw a mask over his face...

I try to smile at the reflection in the mirror.

Raging. burning. aching pain.

Because you demand my gratitude at creating this mask. Require my devotion for a minute on the screen. Expect my admiration at what a saint you are for casting a sister.

"Yes, massa, you a good man."

On set, I make jokes to ease the tension of being the token black. We don't know how to act around each other.

You're afraid of me...hiding it behind an embrace, telling everyone, "Look, isn't she beautiful?" like a trophy on display.

I can tell you're irritated that I've invaded your space; that my mere presence demands...something. You quickly insert me in a scene. Feed me a few lines, or feature me prominently.

So that no one can accuse you of being racist.

I can tell you're upset. Because my look, my skin - the color of roasted coffee - "pulls focus" against the spray tans. blondes. blue eyes.

I want to go to sleep. Tomorrow I'll smile again through the painted-on pink lips...so that you don't reject me as just another mad, black actor.

Like the suppressed energy of an earthquake that splits the ground open and quickly diffuses, the raging, burning, aching pain settles back into its vault.

Quiet on the set, please.

When the Path Looks Like a Dead End

Photo:  Seardig Photography on Etsy

You've been faithfully running toward the finish line - maybe pursuing a creative dream or losing weight - and you're finally seeing real progress. Yay!  You may only be taking baby steps but you're still moving forward.

...Only to find that your hard work and dedication has led to a crossroads:  quit or feel like you're going to die trying anymore.

You've got to make some decisions that will shape the next season of your life but you're beaten down by the sheer weight of chasing your dream. Discouraged. Broke. Too exhausted to even flash a grin at Jimmy Fallon who just walked past you at LAX (yes, that happened).

Like Dorothy and her entourage on the way to see the Wizard, you've hit the deadly poppy field.  The valley of dry bones. The graveyard where it will require a miracle to restore your vision.

Seven years ago when I moved to Hollywood, I went to a workshop for entertainment industry newcomers. The speaker, a TV and film veteran, spoke to us bluntly.

"Only a handful of you will still be here in a few years," he said.  "Of that handful, only about one percent will find success."

Ouch.

He wasn't trying to kill our dreams; he was trying to prepare us for the long, competitive road ahead.  He was reminding us that the race doesn't necessarily go to the strong and the mighty - or to the rich and well-connected - but to those who persevere.

So don't quit.  Make peace with God's pace. Keep moving forward.  We'll eventually make it to the place He intended all along. 

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Daring to Stay in the Race

getting on-camera ready

It's been almost a year since I left my day job to pursue TV hosting and acting full-time in Hollywood.  

Ironically, I hadn't planned to quit my marketing job that day.  In fact, my boss and I were meeting to discuss my big promotion.  But as we talked, I just got this sense of...seaweed. wrapping around my body. suffocating. salty tears. 

Then I heard this quiet, wavering voice. 

I think I need to give you notice.

Was that my voice?!?  Give up my private office with the dual monitors?  Company happy hours? Secret stash of neon Post-it notes?  No way. I need security. I need stability. 

I need...freedom...to chase a dream that won't. go. away.

And then my boss, saying:  Don't be a fool.

So incredibly foolish throwing away a golden opportunity...except when the opportunity is killing something inside that refuses to let you be happy until you find courage to embrace it.

This might be the most foolish thing I've ever done...but I need to leave.

It was finished. I was leaving the small company I had helped build the last five years.

Has it been tough?  Absolutely.  Do I regret my decision?  Absolutely not.

Of course, there have been costs.  Not gonna lie - I miss the little extravagances that don't come with a downsized budget. Spa mani/pedis. Victoria's Secret body wash. Salon shampoo. But those luxuries don't matter much in the big picture.

Of course, there are greater sacrifices - the emotional kind.  Loneliness (even if you don't miss your former boss' wakeup calls!).  Feeling misunderstood; friends seem to think you're "unemployed" and should be available 24/7. Self-doubt. Feelings of rejection when you get passed over - after four call-backs - for a part you were 100% right for.

At times it's just downright scary.

You know, money scary.  I'm one of those people who likes to pay my bills  all on the same day every month, no worries about late or skipped payments.  Goodbye to that system without a direct deposit.  And the car? It'll have to wait for that timing belt. But, Lord, what if it breaks down on the way to an audition?!  Then the phone falls out of your pocket.  And shatters...

But when breakthroughs come, well, those are priceless.  Booking a TV pilot.  Getting published on big websites. And today, waiting to hear back about the hugest network audition of my life, one I could never have imagined.

And of course, it's confidential for now. So you can't even share the victory of finally getting in the room...

Some days the greatest success is just having dared to stay in the race. Is it worth it?  You bet your purple pedicure.
 

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Dreams Fulfilled

Whether or not you believe dreams mean anything, I want to share one that carried a message I know wasn't just for me.

In the dream, I was standing at the back of a huge auditorium filled with people.  Hopeful dreamers, we had all come to try out for a single part in a story being brought to life by one of the world's most famous directors, a Steven Spielberg type.

The part was so crucial that the director himself had come to cast it.  

An assistant gave us unusual instructions. The audition would require no performance from us, not a single line.  As our name was called, we were simply to come stand in front of the director and his team.

As person after person was called, the director quickly dismissed them with a polite, "No thanks."

After hours of waiting, I decided to leave since I was in the back of the room. But just then my name was called.  I was having trouble getting through the crowd and the assistant was about to call the next name.  Then the director spotted me and waited until I reached the mark.

I didn't have time to compose myself but knew where to stand after seeing so many others go before me.  

The director gazed at me and then said softly, You're the one.  

He seemed to know that I had been waiting years for a turn that had never come. In a gentle voice, he said: 

Young lady, you need to know that when the honest cry of your heart is married to heaven's intentions, nothing can stop your dreams from coming true.

When I woke up, I could almost hear the words again. When the honest cry of your heart is married to heaven's intentions...

---
Praying you see doors open and dreams fulfilled in 2014!
 

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Rock the Room

getting ready for a SAG national commercial audition

Lately I've been focusing all my attention on 'getting in the room.'  Hollywood is so competitive that it's a full-time job pursuing opportunities in entertainment. 

At a recent SAG national commercial casting audition, the director even posted a notice letting us know we were one of the few people chosen out of up to 2,000 candidates for EACH role!

I started the year off by saying I was going to take some risks in 2013.  Well, the big news is that I quit my day job! 

Saying goodbye to a position I'd held for almost five years - and the lucrative, steady paycheck - is terrifying!  But I hadn't been able to audition so it was time to make a choice.

From now until November is episodic season when sessions are held to cast roles for upcoming TV shows. It will be a big change from going to the office everyday but I'm excited to be a able to audition, workout much more and take on creative projects. 

And for you, whatever you do, rock the room!

-- Backstage magazine ran a great article about episodic season from casting director Caroline Liem, click here.  

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Managing Emotions before a Photo Shoot

I've been writing about my battle with camera shyness despite working in TV and dealing with emotions before a shoot. Then, almost as if it were timed, I get a call that a celebrity photographer wants to fit me into a last-minute opening. 

I knew I had to jump on the opportunity even though I was waiting to hear if a family member would make it through surgery 2,000 miles away. Here's how I managed the day in case it helps anyone else.
--
9:00 am:  Shower. Wash/blow dry hair (yogurt facial mask applied day before).

10:00 am:  Photographer had suggested wearing black dress. I only wear LBD's at red carpet events and funerals. Picked one I wear to funerals. Pack:

• fuschia tank top and blouse, purple business top, black skirt
• skinny jeans, denim jacket, silver belt, black booties (oops, forgot pumps)
• necklace, diamond stud earrings 

10:30 am: Practice poses while waiting for call from hospital to take my mind off things (it may feel stupid but the mirror really helps!).

11:30 am:  Walk to mall to look for dress. Shopping fail.

2:15 pm:  Shower again. Style hair. Apply makeup in natural shades. Lancome Teint Idole foundation, blush, MAC Blotting Powder, YSL Golden Gloss, liner, mascara.

3:20 pm:  Finish packing (remember blotting cloths, lint remover, charger, etc.).  Get a call that my relative made it through surgery! 

4:00 pm:  Traffic, grrrr. Rush hour + construction + Dodgers game = tortuous crawl. Running late. Feeling tense.

5:10 pm:  Meet photographer.  Perfect light, known as 'magic hour' just before sunset when light is soft and casts few shadows.

6:30 pm:  Wrap! Photographer works fast.

1:30 am:   Night owls - photographer sends raw shots to review.

2:30 am: Winner!

Something that helped me focus despite the emotional challenges was to view things like an artist.  Artists often name their work and use it to channel their emotions so that's what I did.  I called the shoot, 'Surrender,"  as a statement of trusting God even when facing the possible loss of a loved one.

On the practical side, packing a day or two before the shoot helps reduce stress; so does avoiding sugar and caffeine.  For expert advice from the photographer on rocking your shoot, check out my article, 'Camera Shy?  Tips to Photograph Like a Celebrity.' 
---
Model Jen Brook as some fantastic posing tips in her blog: http://jenbrookmodel.tumblr.com.  

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Camera Shy? Tips to Photograph Like a Celebrity

This article appears this month in a Dartmouth alumni publication

We all get the urge to smack someone who sticks a camera in our face:  Your old roommate who posts Facebook photos from hell.  Aunt Lucy who stalks you at family reunions. Your boss who bear hugs you in company photos.  Your local police officer who…scratch that, you don’t want to smack a cop taking your mug shot. 

Many of us are camera shy.  For me, it was rooted in a family history of shyness - so acute in some relatives, we don't have pictures of them - and in being a chubby kid.  Anyone who was bullied or teased about their looks understands.

As an adult, the problem got worse after gaining the freshman 15 (er, 30).  I perfected tricks to dodge even candid snaps - from ducking behind furniture to wearing sunglasses indoors.

Despite my career in TV, I learned to "hide" behind the camera by showcasing other people's stories.  I avoided headshots even though mine looked like relics from our frat row days.  When photos were inescapable, my smile was as fake as Lindsay Lohan trying to look innocent in court.

Camera shyness was sabotaging my career.

I finally called photographer Maria Peterson, whose clients range from celebrities to brides. I've known Maria forever so I could trust her for nonjudgmental advice.

"Even models struggle with self-consciousness," she said, "but they learn to embrace the awkwardness."

If you have a photo shoot on the horizon for graduation or a new job, read on for tips on how to photograph like a celebrity.

Prepare

"Preparation is the key to dealing with inhibition,” says Maria, who suggests starting a week before a photo session.  Some of her clients change how they eat; others get more sleep or do yoga to help relax.

Make that hair appointment, get a manicure, pack a tote with items you'll need the day of the shoot - basic advice but Maria finds too many people wait until the last minute and then are disappointed with their shots.  Taking control early was helpful for an Ivy League overachiever; I already felt more confident.

  

Plan

What should I wear, exactly?  Images of Helen Mirren in Calendar Girls flashed through my mind. 

I planned a trip to the mall.

Not so fast, says Maria.  "It's best not to go out and buy something you've never worn that may make you feel inhibited or may not be you.  It's better to wear simple clothes that accentuate the face."

So that just left the question of what colors to wear. In TV, we avoid green, brown and blue (they don't work well for 'green screen'), red, white and black.

I was surprised Maria said any colors would work. While she thinks most people photograph well in jewel tones, "It's more important to wear what makes you feel really confident, really hot. Keep it simple." 

Practice

In TV there's a term called 'cheating to camera' where we stand slightly angled. It feels silly but practicing flattering (i.e. slimming) poses in front of a mirror helps build confidence as you learn to play up your assets and accept how you look - Dumbo ears, double chin and all.

Confession: friends and I practice our red carpet pose. You know the one: chin down/shoulders back/hand on hip.  Forget copying Angelina Jolie’s thigh-baring Oscars pose but we pull off sexy ok.

You may not walk the red carpet but with practice posing for the PTA newsletter won't leave you a nervous, sweaty wreck either.

Play

Finally, your photo shoot should be fun; it's your chance to show what makes you unique inside. "The more you can drop your guard," says Maria, "the easier it is to capture the real you and have fun."

TV coach Marki Costello gave me the push I needed to finally confront camera shyness. Marki, who coaches stars from Stacy Keibler to Cee Lo in her Become A Host program, says the key is to think about your audience more than yourself.

"Think about what you want to convey to the person looking at the shot," says Marki.  "Are you witty, funny, devious, clever?  Have it come out in your face."

Getting a photo that 'pops' is about showing your personality most of all.  "People are so worried about being glamorous and dolled up," says Marki, "but I want to see something in their eyes and face that tells me who they are."

Even if paparazzi aren't hiding in your bushes, these tips should help combat the urge to act like Alec Baldwin and punch the next photographer who shoves a camera in your face. 

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Brand New Dilemma

Brand Expert Phil Pallen.  Photo:  MellyLee Photography

I recently took a social media workshop for TV hosts with brand expert Phil Pallen who says, "Your opinion is your personality.  Your voice is your brand."

Creating a brand, or image, is a lot harder than you might expect.  A brand is essential to getting hired because it helps agents and managers "sell" you to casting directors.

It's not brain surgery:  Conceive catchy name.  Produce sexy reel and website.  Nail audition.  Get hired to make reality starlet co-host like Khloe Kardashian look good.

If only it were that simple.

Here's the dilemma:  mismatched inside and outside - as dissonant as Ellen DeGeneres wearing a ball gown.  Part of me says red carpet host-type but the truer part screams adventure rebel:  give me a parachute, a hot date (non-negotiable) and let the exploits begin.

At least I was far from alone in the workshop. Many of the hosts were at a loss as to how to develop their brand.  Our jobs demand putting our best face forward but we’re not sure which side is most flattering. 

At least I'll be in style this season if last night's Golden Globes fashion experts are right. They say expect lots of black, less skin, ponytails, big earrings. Check. Check. Double-check.

Style's a big part of brand so bring on the red carpet...I can rock black.
---
For brand and social media tips and strategies, check out Phil's website at www.philpallen.com and on YouTube.

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Mean Girls

Lindsay Lohan star of "Mean Girls."  Photo:  Humza 

A talent agent told me I come off too sweet. "Too 'pink,' not enough flavor," she said. "We need to see the naughty in you."

I can hear my childhood friends roaring with laughter.  I was a mean girl long before Lindsay Lohan.  

The trouble started in 1st grade with a new kid at school.  He  didn't fit in wearing Sunday clothes to school.  He cut in line at recess. I punched him.  He socked me in the eye.

By 4th grade I'd moved on to bullying - teachers. "Hey, guppy lips!"  I taunted one who had a mouth like Mick Jagger.  

Another time Mrs. L. broke down in tears as I led a class revolt against 'the witch.' 

By high school I was hanging out with a crew of misfits who cut class and drank Mickey's in the park. 

Despite the trouble, A's came easy.  "You're going to college," my dad insisted, shipping me off to the Ivy League with the warning, "I don't do bail once you're 18."   

Later as a crime reporter, I confronted killers, gang members, sleazy politicians, with the steeliness of a true mean girl. 

Yet God - radical love - had somehow begun to pierce a hardened heart. 

Too sweet? A friend put it best: "When you're looking for a brand of 'edgy' that is filled with desperation, despondency, depression and dejection and encounter a different brand of edgy filled with love, joy and peace it's difficult to deal with." 

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Failure. Grace.

Funny how the closer you get to a dream, the more impossible it can seem. The nearer the time of fulfillment, the greater the battle.

After working with a TV coach for two months, I'm ready to shoot my new reel (video to send casting directors). In Hollywood, the reel can unlock destiny.

To think this reel will open doors is nuts really.  I'm just one of thousands among many who are more talented/prettier/younger/sexier chasing the dream.   

I recently failed so badly, I almost quit.  The battle raged not with shouts, but whispers:  not good enough.  not worthy...

Back in journalism school, a professor advised us to write down our names before live broadcasts.  "The pressure," he warned, "can make you forget even that."  

Seemed like absurd advice.

And then it happened. I froze on camera.  Gratefully, only a studio audience witnessed it instead of countless TV viewers.

"What happened?" asked my coach.  "I didn't expect you to freeze."  

Neither did I.  Unscripted TV's always been my strength.  I'm used to adlibbing, no teleprompter, thanks to years of covering breaking news. 

I lay awake tormented by fear and a perfectionism that can neither forget nor forgive such a fundamental blunder.  And then...a new whisper:

Sometimes failure is the gateway to My grace.

But what if it happens again?  On live TV?  What if the failure is so great, people won't forget it? 

My grace is sufficient.

This grace - there is only way one to know it.  It requires moving forward when every impulse screams quit.  And soon you discover grace is fighting the battle for you.

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Breaking Bad

Experts say it takes six weeks to break a habit.  I'm not battling pills or booze but I am trying to break a style picked up working the TV news crime beat. Newscasters have a distinct on-air style that's hindering me from doing more creative work - work that doesn't require covering dead bodies.

"We just need to get the newscaster out of you," TV coach Marki Costello said at our first session.  I'd called Marki after seeing her help former NFL pro Hank Baskett move from the football field to the studio.

Marki teaches the same technical skills like TelePrompter and breaking down copy that newscasters learn but in a way that fits the style of TV hosting. Hosting is a completely different beast than news; sort of like the difference between boxers and wrestlers - both compete in a ring but they need different abilities.

"Reveal something about yourself we'd never know by looking at you," Marki instructed in her Hosting Boot Camp, "to help the audience connect with you." 

Hosts share intimate secrets with their audiences; as newscasters, we're trained to hide behind the camera. Newscasters tell other people's stories, not our own.  Strip off that protective layer?  No way.  

I revealed that my military dad had me in boxing gloves before I could read. My tone conveyed my message: back off.

Next assignment was reading copy for a dating show. Marking stopped me after a few sentences demanding, "What do YOU think?"  

As news anchors, we're trained to stay out of the story; whereas hosts make money off of their opinions. 

"That petite woman who won't date tall men has no idea what she's missing!"  I blurted out. Great. Now the audience thinks I sleep with NBA players.

Then came a live co-hosting drill. In news, we face a camera - not a crowd. The live audience felt like a jury. I mumbled a few words about the topic - travel, told a story about a recent trip to a Third World country - and crept back to my seat. 

A hot guy from The Bachelorette leaned over and whispered, "Do you know you said, 'pooped in a can?'" 

Despite Marki's coaching, I felt  stuck.  Too old to change with habits too big to break. Six weeks in TV rehab?  At least there shouldn't be any dead bodies. 

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Girls Who Wear Pink

Kendra Wilkinson & Hank Baskett.

As a kid, I did not wear pink.  I lived in sneakers and overalls and my dad's army boots.  I loved clomping around in  his big, spiffy combat boots.  They were black and shiny and made me feel fierce and unstoppable.  

I still prefer to wear combat boots over high heels but thanks to a Playboy Playmate, I'm finally becoming one of those girls who wear pink (not a bunny suit!). 

I tuned in to the TV show Kendra on Top to watch a friend's guest appearance on reality the show. The show follows a racy former Playmate and her husband, Hank, as they leave the fast lane for family life. I caught an episode about Hank training to break into TV after retiring from the NFL. 

Watching Hank work with a TV hosting coach, I wondered if she might be able to help me, too.  Newscasters have a distinct on-air style that's gotten in my way when I audition for more creative roles.  At one commercial test, a cranky agent even snapped, "I want you to sell the sugar, not put it on the news." 

A phone call and $600 later, I was signed up for a weekend with Hollywood's self-professed Queen of Hosting. Marki Costello's roster includes celebrities like Cee Lo, Khloe Kardashian and many more.  

Time to step up my game fast. Hosting Boot Camp was just a month away. 

Since we'd be filming against in a green screen studio, I knew I'd need new clothes.  My closet is full of dark and neutral colors that look fine for reporting in the field but that are way too dull in the studio.  

Time had come to join the girls who wear...

Yep.  Pink would perfectly "pop" with my skin tone.  Bought my first-ever pink blouse.  Hope it looks okay with combat boots.

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Dark Chocolate & D Cups

Halle Berry.  Photo: Entertainment Rundown.

Checking out the audience at a recent Hollywood event, not a stray hair or scuffed Jimmy Choo in the house, it was striking to see a room of mostly Black women. 

They call themselves Dark Chocolate.

The SAG-AFTRA event, part sorority/part pep rally, was hosted by a group that is fighting Hollywood's pervasive stereotype of leading ladies:  big breasts, light skin, size zero.  Black women, especially those with dark skin and curves, barely stand a chance at being cast in starring roles. 

 "Name five dark chocolate women in romantic leads on TV or in movies," the host challenged. No one could. 

Industry figures show people of any color are hired for less than 15% of all roles. In fact, Hollywood remains one of the only places where hiring discrimination based on skin color, size or age is still legal.

One of Halle Berry's stunt doubles (looking even thinner than the 5'7," 123 pound Oscar winner) sat by me so we started talking.  "Halle gave me a chance and it grew from there," Eva (not her real name) said.

Eva encouraged me to consider stunt training after I mentioned my recent skydive (omitting all the shrieking). She said a good place to start is with precision driving, where skill matters more than skin color or breast size since the actual driver seldom gets screen time.

Realistically? Doors aren't going to fly open anytime soon for women like me.  But like Eva said, you just have to be ready when one does like it did for Halle's team - which even includes a MALE double. 

Halle Berry's Catwoman stunt double (The Honolulu Advertiser photo)

Yes, a MAN (Nito Larioza) performed many of Halle's sexy-fierce Catwoman moves!

Sometimes talent does triumph over fair skin and D cups.

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Lazarus Rising From the Dead

The drive to the North Hollywood casting studios can be unpredictable so I've learned to avoid Santa Monica and Sunset Boulevards and leave at least twice the amount of time to get there than I think it will take.

I arrived before my call time and signed in to audition for a commercial for the world's most famous burger chain.

"We're waiting for your husband," the casting director explained I was going to have to wait.  I needed a partner to audition with since the commercial called for a husband and wife. Five white guys and I sat in the waiting room. 

"I can audition with one of them," I offered. 

"Advertisers aren't that creative," the director responded. Okay.

Lazarus (my TV husband's name, not the guy Jesus raised from the dead) arrived late (big no-no) so we didn't get the usual five-minute prep. 

It showed. 

We had to start over three times, which might not have been so bad if my fake husband hadn't kept using the name of a competitor's chain!

Goodbye SAG national paycheck. Goodbye residuals. 

But I've learned even if it doesn't seem like you'll book a part, give it all you've got anyway. Sometimes it turns out you're right for the part afterall.

After one audition, I had a feeling I might book the part but the director cast someone else. The day of the shoot,  my agent called saying the other actor's flight was delayed - in another country! The director wanted me to replace her on set that day. I showed up ready to work (that director later cast me in several projects).

Back to Lazarus. "I just had something else on my mind," he apologized. I wasn't mad though, because lately I've had a feeling that dreams, promises, that seem dead are going to come back to life. Thanks for the reminder, Lazarus.

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Action!

Filming "Eyes to See" at Blue Cloud Ranchi in California

Back on set! I have a small part in the film inspired by our trip to Haiti after the earthquake. Eyes to See tells the story of the disaster's aftermath through the eyes of a news photographer. With a cast led by Matthew Marsden (Rambo, Transformers) and Garcelle Beauvais (NYPD Blue, The Jaime Foxx Show), director Dave de Vos says "it's a story of hope even amidst the tragedy."

I feel a bit emotional on set. My thoughts go back to the ruins of Port au Prince.  Even though it's been nine months, the suffering remains so great. This week a worker at the orphanage where we stayed said one of the kids may not make it through the night due to a brain infection. "Don't let them stick me with needles," little Juno told doctors, "They hurt!!!"

Fortunately it looks like surgeons will be able to save Juno's life but what about his future? No family. Sick. And yet...dare we dream for him? With him?

Yes...not because this film will make a difference in his life, but because hope refuses to stay buried in the rubble.

Nine months ago when people asked me why face the risks in Haiti, I answered, "This is a moment in history in which I've been invited to play a role. How can I say no?"  

I have the same feeling on set:  a sense of being in the right place, at the right time, with the right people - a trifecta of grace. 

Map vini an Ayiti anko. I will return to Haiti.

Sadly Juno (hugging the stuffed animal above) died a few weeks after I wrote this post.

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The One That Got Away

Ty Penning, "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." Photo:  Getty Images

Lately I've been thinking about the one that got away.  Not a man.  The Dream Job.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was holding an international search for a new designer. Some of you know my passion for architecture and design. I've studied the trade since writing an interior design newspaper column and eventually earned my General Contractor's license.

I decided to send the casting director my materials even though I'd be up again some of the most talented designers in the world. I was stunned to get called in to audition out of thousands of hopefuls. 

I drove to the studio early the day of the audition so that I'd have time to freshen up; make sure I didn't have toilet paper stuck to my shoe.  

The director conducted an interview-style audition, judging personality and skill. That type of tryout can be challenging since there is no scripted dialogue to help guide the audition but after years of ad-libbing breaking news live shots, I was in my element. 

I got a call-back.

Then the door suddenly closed.  The star host's arrest for DUI put the search on hold. Indefinitely. Ty Pennington quickly apologized with the show's future was in jeopardy. 

So that's the one that got away. And, like all first loves, you never forget.

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