Failure. Grace.

Funny how the closer you get to a dream, the more impossible it can seem. The nearer the time of fulfillment, the greater the battle.

After working with a TV coach for two months, I'm ready to shoot my new reel (video to send casting directors). In Hollywood, the reel can unlock destiny.

To think this reel will open doors is nuts really.  I'm just one of thousands among many who are more talented/prettier/younger/sexier chasing the dream.   

I recently failed so badly, I almost quit.  The battle raged not with shouts, but whispers:  not good enough.  not worthy...

Back in journalism school, a professor advised us to write down our names before live broadcasts.  "The pressure," he warned, "can make you forget even that."  

Seemed like absurd advice.

And then it happened. I froze on camera.  Gratefully, only a studio audience witnessed it instead of countless TV viewers.

"What happened?" asked my coach.  "I didn't expect you to freeze."  

Neither did I.  Unscripted TV's always been my strength.  I'm used to adlibbing, no teleprompter, thanks to years of covering breaking news. 

I lay awake tormented by fear and a perfectionism that can neither forget nor forgive such a fundamental blunder.  And then...a new whisper:

Sometimes failure is the gateway to My grace.

But what if it happens again?  On live TV?  What if the failure is so great, people won't forget it? 

My grace is sufficient.

This grace - there is only way one to know it.  It requires moving forward when every impulse screams quit.  And soon you discover grace is fighting the battle for you.

www.facebook.com/shayholland

All That Glitters...

All that glitters...that saying about fake worth is so true in Hollywood, where breasts, lips, buttocks are traded like used cars.  Even though I'm used to being around women with enough fillers and implants to make a mannequin jealous, I find myself battling the image pressure.

That's why Alissa and I went for every beauty trick in the book (excluding plastic surgery) for the Emmys: brow jobs, false lashes, hair extensions, exfoliators, bright red mani/pedis, fake tan, Spanx, more makeup than the Kardashians.

And in the end we were left feeling...not very beautiful.  We lost ourselves.  

"I felt so overdone with crazy eyelashes out to here and these big red lips," said Alissa. "It was too much. I felt like a tranny."

The makeup counter promises and dressing room skinny mirrors were like fool's gold.  Yet the over-the-top glam  left us feeling fake and awkward, especially me since I let others convince me to buy a girly dress instead of a simple one so I was squirming like a six-year-old in a church pew.

Our experience proved that nothing is as alluring as a woman at ease in her own skin.

"We tortured ourselves," said Alissa, "wanting to be who we're not." 

After the show we came home, washed our faces and went out - sans the glitter. 

"Your drinks are on me," said the first man who saw us, "because you are the most beautiful women here." 

www.facebook.com/shayholland