With This Ring

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith. Photo:  Mr L. Davis

It's impossible to live in Hollywood and avoid celebrity gossip like the Will Smith and Jada split rumors.

The Smiths have stood out as a triumph over divorce statistics - especially for African-Americans. We apparently have the worst rates of any racial group, according to an article, "Marriage is for White People."*

"This author is writing a story on the state of relationships between men and women," said a colleague who called to ask me to be interviewed for an Essence magazine article.

The subject matter made me skittish. Truth is journalists often make lousy partners. Constant deadline stress, long separations from home, traumatic experiences - our relationships pay the price.

The numbers are especially dismal for highly educated black women - we're the least likely of any group to marry.* 

But I don't want statistics to keep my heart locked up.  Just because we screw up marriage doesn't mean the plan is flawed any more than a car wreck means the engine design is defective. No matter how "hostile" - the Essence writer's description of male/female relationships - I believe the vows still matter.

Due to  the magazine's lead time, the article won't come out for a few months. Maybe Will and Jada will be on the cover - celebrating another anniversary.

*Marriage is for White People, Joy Jones, The Washington Post

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Fighting Fires

Most girls I knew wanted to grow up to become teachers or lawyers or wives.  I dreamed of a less traditional path - like a superhero. or a firefighter. 

Shay at Firefighter Training School

As kids, my brother and I would race outside at the sound of sirens - chasing red trucks down the street to watch firemen save a life...even if it was just a cat stuck in a tree (our small town firefighters really did rescue pets).

Most of us outgrew our childhood dreams but I sometimes wonder what if we'd followed those paths? 

Me? As a journalist, I chase fire trucks for different reasons now. Maybe the signs were there all along that I'd become a writer.  A shy kid, I'd preferred Reader's Digest over boys. did crossword puzzles in ink. laminated my library card. 

Ironically, my job as a journalist let me experience my childhood fantasy of fighting fires and saving lives.  I jumped at a chance to attend Firefighting Academy for a series on why there so few women pump hoses for a career.

I'm not sure where the Academy dug up gear small enough to fit my frame but there I was at roll call, along with several mostly-male journalists and a class of new recruits. 

One test required rescuing a 200-pound man (a REAL one acting unconscious, not a dummy!) from a burning house. I don't know anyone petite woman who could carry that much weight - also wearing 60 pounds of gear, including oxygen tank and mask, AND racing a stopwatch.   

So I did the logical thing. 

The trainer stopped me - apparently dragging a man by his arms down a flight of stairs is not the correct way to rescue him.

Another test required saving victims from a wrecked car using the Jaws of Life.

So again, I did the logical thing. The trainer stopped me again - apparently hoisting a 75-pound hydraulic tool with one's knees is not safe technique.

 Shay at firefighting training

Then there was a test to reach occupants in a burning highrise, which required climbing a five-story truck ladder and dangling over the concrete below without a net or harness. 

This time the trainer did not have to stop me. I made it only part-way before fear won out. 

But this test wasn't about strength.  While I may not be able to carry a 200-pound person or manhandle a monster tool, this test didn't require muscles; it required courage.

"Let me try again," I asked the captain.  Made it to the top (higher than any other non-recruits) but failed at the last step - my shaky legs and arms of jello couldn't be trusted to hold me five stories in the air.

The truth is that while many women lack the physical strength firefighting requires,* we are often filled with a heart and determination that can change the world.

*Less than 3% of firefighters are women (LA Weekly)

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