Diary of a Mad Black Actor

Photo Credit:  Francesca www.xoxocesca.com

The pain of a throbbing big toe woke me in the middle of the night. I didn't even know I'd hurt it running until it felt like a searing hot iron touched to tender skin.

I stifle tears, praying away the sharp ache.  Sleepless and disturbed, the physical pain oddly unlocks a hidden vault - in my heart.

I thought of a recent conversation with a director.

"You don't seem angry," he said.

"I'm not," I answered, puzzled. The script hadn't called for the character to be mad.

"I thought all black women were angry," he stated.

Really? Just because I'm black? 

Awakened by pain, my heart began to speak. I. am. angry.  Raging. burning. achingly mad. 

Because you don't see me when you are creating projects.  It doesn't even occur to you that your cast is full of faces that look like Taylor Swift's.

"Your lips..." the makeup artist says to me, uncomfortably.

"What about them?" I ask, naively.

She struggles to explain. 

"Let me show you how to make them look smaller, um, not so....dark. They don't bother me," she wants me to understand, "But the director might want you to...do something about them."

She uses concealer to completely cover my lips. Then redraws a smaller outline with a light brown pencil. Fills them in with dewey lipstick.

Smaller. Lighter. Pinker.

"Now you can do it yourself....if you get complaints."

Humiliated. I am camera ready.

Praying that my hair and makeup don't rebel under the hot lights, I deliver my lines through the new, less offensive lips.

At home, I scrub off the fake face.  There they are:  full, dark, bold lips. I get them from my daddy. His are nearly black; soft. He once told me that as a young man he thought he was ugly.

Guess no one ever showed him how to draw a mask over his face...

I try to smile at the reflection in the mirror.

Raging. burning. aching pain.

Because you demand my gratitude at creating this mask. Require my devotion for a minute on the screen. Expect my admiration at what a saint you are for casting a sister.

"Yes, massa, you a good man."

On set, I make jokes to ease the tension of being the token black. We don't know how to act around each other.

You're afraid of me...hiding it behind an embrace, telling everyone, "Look, isn't she beautiful?" like a trophy on display.

I can tell you're irritated that I've invaded your space; that my mere presence demands...something. You quickly insert me in a scene. Feed me a few lines, or feature me prominently.

So that no one can accuse you of being racist.

I can tell you're upset. Because my look, my skin - the color of roasted coffee - "pulls focus" against the spray tans. blondes. blue eyes.

I want to go to sleep. Tomorrow I'll smile again through the painted-on pink lips...so that you don't reject me as just another mad, black actor.

Like the suppressed energy of an earthquake that splits the ground open and quickly diffuses, the raging, burning, aching pain settles back into its vault.

Quiet on the set, please.

Chris Hemsworth - What to Look for in a Man

Photo:  People Magazine 2014

Today: this face on magazine stands around the world.  Despite the Twitter chatter that other stars should have received the title, in my book Chris Hemsworth is the "Sexiest Man Alive."

He's even sexier in person.  I had a chance to meet Chris last Oscar season at a screening for his film, Rush, hosted by the Directors Guild.  The PR team emphatically stated Chris would not be signing autographs or taking photos.

I happened to be in one of the front rows and before his handlers could whisk him off stage, Chris was taking selfies with us and signing pictures. Thor up close - sexy? Um, speechless. 

Photo:  People Magazine 2014

Besides the fact that he's hot, Chris seems to have qualities that would make for an ideal mate.  He's married but if you're looking for more than a Tinder hook-up, here are five traits I saw in Chris that would make any guy the sexiest man alive:

1.  He's humble about his looks.  
Chris honestly didn't seem to notice or care how hot he is.  Maybe it's the scruff or the tousled hair or the not-too-shredded muscles - but he doesn't seem like one of those guys who spends half his time at the gym or in front of a mirror.  That translates into knowing you'll get his attention, whether in the bedroom or the boardroom.

2.  He's gracious.
Chris could have walked off the stage shielded by his handlers but you could tell he wanted to be gracious to the audience.  I'm sure he hates getting mobbed by fans but he seems to accept it as part of the cost of fame.  He doesn't seem to let the adoration get to his ego.  A gracious guy is one who makes others feel significant instead of insisting the spotlight always be on him.

3.  He can laugh at himself.
Chris laughed often during the Q&A and it was easy to feel happy and upbeat listening to him.  Ever been with a guy where you're always afraid you'll say the wrong thing and set him off? No one's worth that much work. A sense of humor goes a long way during stormy times.

4.  He's authentic.
Chris didn't seem to be worried about protecting an image.  He's doesn't act like Thor in real life; he has soft spots.  The guy who never appears weak? The mystery may seem alluring initially but you'll eventually find yourself pounding on the wall he's built around his heart. A truly sexy man doesn't need a false version of himself to attract others.

5.  He honors his wife and family.
Chris probably gets hit on constantly but I loved how he honored his wife even when she wasn't around. He didn't try to come across as a stud. He wasn't ashamed of the ring on his finger.  A man who honors those around him? Sexy times 100.

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10 Tips for Keeping it Classy from the Red Carpet

Catherine Zeta-Jones at the American Film Institute tribute to Jane Fonda. June 2014

classy \ adjective : having qualities that make someone special and attractive : showing impressive character (Merriam-Webster dictionary)
---
What makes a person classy?  Take Catherine Zeta Jones.  She's fought bi-polar disorder, a stormy marriage, a stalled career. Yet she still exudes class - not with a designer dress and diamonds, but with warmth and a wave.

So what's the difference between classy and trashy?  Here's a few things I've observed from the red carpet: 

1.  Classy people have mastered the art of flirting to make others feel special - not necessarily to get them into bed. 

2.  Classy people don't drink too much - both to avoid acting like a fool and long lines for the restroom. Squatting somewhere is never classy. Neither is peeing in a bucket, Mr. Bieber.

3.  Classy people aren't afraid to apologize, like Reese Witherspoon when she pulled the, "Do you know who I am?" line on a cop.   

4.  Classy people are kind even when others don't deserve it; no Alec Baldwin tantrums.  "Never sacrifice your class to get even with someone who has none." (author unknown)

5.  Classy people have a mystique that somehow commands it; that's why they can leave the see-through dresses to Rihanna.


6.  Classy people look others in the eye.  Besides, wearing sunglasses at night makes anyone look like a douche.  Except maybe Bono. And Stevie Wonder.

7.  Classy people end conversations graciously, even if they're talking to someone creepy.  

8.  Classy people wear panties in public. 

9.  Classy people aren't threatened by others' success and don't try to make anyone feel insignificant; they're secure enough to let you be fabulous.

10.  Classy people don't obsess over their fame; they see it mainly as a platform to do good and inspire the world.

And the bonus observation - classy people don't waste time trying to make others love them. Instead, they unselfishly love the ones who matter most.  

"Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuit of people [that don't even matter] to love us, while the people who do love us...watch us beg in the streets." (C. JoyBell)

Keep it classy.

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Cover Story

Photo:  Details Magazine 2012

It seems rare these days to go to a movie and walk away inspired.  Inspired to create. to revolutionize. to discover.

One benefit of being in the TV/film union SAG-AFTRA is receiving invitations to screenings for the top award contenders during Oscar season.  The director and cast often attend so this week a friend and I went to hear Ben Affleck and the cast talk about making Argo. 

Argo is based on true events from the 1970's Iranian hostage crisis. Affleck directs and plays the lead role, a CIA agent trying to get six Americans out of Iran by creating a cover story that they're Canadian filmmakers scouting exotic locales for a sci-fi flick.

I thought the movie would be graphic and disturbing with torture and execution scenes but it wasn't.  In fact, what emerges is a story that inspires.



"Argo" screening

Maybe it has to do with excellence. Even though the sci-fi film they're making within the real film is phony, the creative minds behind it still set superior standards.  

"If I'm making a fake movie," says the fake producer (Alan Arkin), "it's going to be a fake hit."

Or maybe it's because it reminds us that in a flash any one of our lives can move the world.  

They weren't making a movie. They were making history.  

p.s. No one connected to the film paid me to write this post. Unfortunately.

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Dark Chocolate & D Cups

Halle Berry.  Photo: Entertainment Rundown.

Checking out the audience at a recent Hollywood event, not a stray hair or scuffed Jimmy Choo in the house, it was striking to see a room of mostly Black women. 

They call themselves Dark Chocolate.

The SAG-AFTRA event, part sorority/part pep rally, was hosted by a group that is fighting Hollywood's pervasive stereotype of leading ladies:  big breasts, light skin, size zero.  Black women, especially those with dark skin and curves, barely stand a chance at being cast in starring roles. 

 "Name five dark chocolate women in romantic leads on TV or in movies," the host challenged. No one could. 

Industry figures show people of any color are hired for less than 15% of all roles. In fact, Hollywood remains one of the only places where hiring discrimination based on skin color, size or age is still legal.

One of Halle Berry's stunt doubles (looking even thinner than the 5'7," 123 pound Oscar winner) sat by me so we started talking.  "Halle gave me a chance and it grew from there," Eva (not her real name) said.

Eva encouraged me to consider stunt training after I mentioned my recent skydive (omitting all the shrieking). She said a good place to start is with precision driving, where skill matters more than skin color or breast size since the actual driver seldom gets screen time.

Realistically? Doors aren't going to fly open anytime soon for women like me.  But like Eva said, you just have to be ready when one does like it did for Halle's team - which even includes a MALE double. 

Halle Berry's Catwoman stunt double (The Honolulu Advertiser photo)

Yes, a MAN (Nito Larioza) performed many of Halle's sexy-fierce Catwoman moves!

Sometimes talent does triumph over fair skin and D cups.

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In the Recording Studio



Matthew Marsden and Garcelle Beauvais in
"Eyes to See."  Photo: Caroline Choi photo

Just finished in the recording studio for Eyes to See. The film is based on true events surrounding the work of a relief team I covered in Haiti last January after the massive earthquake. 

The film's director asked me to voice the role of a newscaster for the opening scenes. This was my first time seeing footage.  Some scenes brought tears to my eyes.

The film's stars were at the recording studio when I arrived. Matthew Marsden (Transformers, Rambo) and NYPD Blue's Garcelle Beauvais needed to re-record some lines.

Between sessions, Matthew brought up  George Clooney's work in Sudan;* I had expected light-hearted from the funny Englishman.

"How can I help standing here in a recording studio in Hollywood?" the director ended the conversation - frustrated at our own inability to help, and also wanting us to stay focused  since we were running behind schedule. 

We went back to our lines but the question nagged at me. How can we make a difference when the need is so great? Sudan. Haiti. Hollywood - even here hundreds of homeless people sleep in alleys and beg tourists for money.

"At least one hospital..." I started the script again, grateful that at least my voice might draw attention to the plight of a country in need.

*(There are safety fears with concerns that the upcoming South Sudanese cessation vote may cause civil war.)

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Breathe

Filming a scene with Garcelle Beauvais on the set of "Eyes to See"

Filming just wrapped on the movie inspired by our team's work in Haiti after the earthquake. It's often hard to walk away from a prodution because of the bonds formed with the cast and crew. 

This time was no different.

Eyes to See, starring Matthew Marsden (Rambo, Transformers), is about a cameraman forced to choose between helping people and doing his job after the earthquake. An actor asked how I felt being on set after having experienced the tragedy firsthand. "Like I can breathe again," I answered.

Actors taking a break on the LA set of "Eyes to See"

Despite working 12-hour days covered in fake blood and dirt,  shooting dozens of takes at 2 am and enduring blistering heat, my lungs filled with the air of creativity and purpose.

Few doors have opened for me to tell meaningful stories since moving to LA and just when it seems I'll have to go back to covering pimps and perverts, a project like this comes along.

Struggling to finish the film in Haiti, director Dave de Vos wondered if it was worth it. "And then I stand here where so many lives were lost," he says, "I see the spirit of the Haitian people, the smiles of the children, and the hope for the future, and I remember."

Dave is donating the film's royalties to a Haitian rebuilding nonprofit. My part is small in comparison but I'm grateful to play a role. Grateful this movie isn't about egos. Grateful to put my head up and breathe.

"I remember our call to help the least, the last and the lost; our mission to shine a light on hope. That's why we have to get it right." ~Dave de Vos

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Action!

Filming "Eyes to See" at Blue Cloud Ranchi in California

Back on set! I have a small part in the film inspired by our trip to Haiti after the earthquake. Eyes to See tells the story of the disaster's aftermath through the eyes of a news photographer. With a cast led by Matthew Marsden (Rambo, Transformers) and Garcelle Beauvais (NYPD Blue, The Jaime Foxx Show), director Dave de Vos says "it's a story of hope even amidst the tragedy."

I feel a bit emotional on set. My thoughts go back to the ruins of Port au Prince.  Even though it's been nine months, the suffering remains so great. This week a worker at the orphanage where we stayed said one of the kids may not make it through the night due to a brain infection. "Don't let them stick me with needles," little Juno told doctors, "They hurt!!!"

Fortunately it looks like surgeons will be able to save Juno's life but what about his future? No family. Sick. And yet...dare we dream for him? With him?

Yes...not because this film will make a difference in his life, but because hope refuses to stay buried in the rubble.

Nine months ago when people asked me why face the risks in Haiti, I answered, "This is a moment in history in which I've been invited to play a role. How can I say no?"  

I have the same feeling on set:  a sense of being in the right place, at the right time, with the right people - a trifecta of grace. 

Map vini an Ayiti anko. I will return to Haiti.

Sadly Juno (hugging the stuffed animal above) died a few weeks after I wrote this post.

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Haiti Film Underway!

Actor Nikki Storm prepares to film a scene in "Eyes to See" at Blue Cloud Ranchi

Filming has started on the movie inspired by our Haiti team! Eyes to See stars Matthew Marsden (Rambo and Transformers) and Garcelle Beauvais, a native Haitian known (NYPD Blue, Franklin & Bash).  The film is about a photographer forced to choose between doing his job and helping people after the earthquake.

Nine months after the disaster, orphanage workers tell us the children are coping despite immense suffering. Grief though, finds a way to assert itself. unstoppable tears. pain. anger.

Grief still feels foreign to me.  Being a reporter demands staying emotionally disconnected in order to handle the violence and death of the lens through which we see the world. 

A few years ago the news reported that a mom had thrown her three babies into the San Francisco Bay. The tide swept away the tiny bodies before anyone could save them.  Divers were searching by the Golden Gate Bridge near where I lived at the time.

I walked the Bay half-hoping to find a miracle. "God, you've made me unfit for news," I wept. Away from the crime beat, I was discovering tears I'd never shed no matter how many murders I saw.

Today I was thinking about something a friend wrote while keeping vigil at his dad's bedside. "Jesus wept," he'd written, "but not tears of despair."  

Jesus wept. The shortest verse in the Bible. 

And a thought came to me that made grief ok: sometimes tears precede miracles.

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Haiti: Part 1

"Haiti...felt like the land in which I had always belonged..." ~Shay



 A nurse from our Haiti relief team sent a message today asking, "Shay, do we still need to check your bags?"  She was teasing me about an email from our leader saying he thought I might have an orphaned baby hidden in my bag when we left Haiti.

"Today I was thinking of two-week-old Kevin," I replied. "I wonder if he's sad? is someone holding him? is he sleeping? is he smiling?" I know it was the right thing to do to leave Kevin at the orphanage but it's hard to leave a newborn who falls asleep holding my hand.

Haiti - Part 1

our team arriving in Haiti

We can see bed sheets blanketing the landscape as we fly into Port-au-Prince. From the air, the colorful fabrics look like laundry hung out to dry. From the ground, we see the sheets are actually makeshift tents.

We throw our gear into a flatbed pickup truck (a tap-tap taxi) and climb in the back.  I feel fear rising as we pull out of the airport and head to an orphanage where we're setting up base camp - the airport guards seemed to be our only protection from mobs of homeless Haitians jamming the roadway. Some media reports had warned about machete-wielding gangs looting and terrorizing survivors in the earthquake aftermath.

Men try to sell us trinkets and boys ask for money as we slowly drive past...women hold out their hands for food. I realize the people don't want to hurt us - they just want our help. From then on Haiti does not feel like a foreign land...somehow it begins to feel like the land in which I had always belonged.

The roads to New Life Children's Home are surprisingly clear of rubble. The staff has agreed to let us camp on the orphanage soccer field. An armed guard slides aside a heavy, metal gate to let our tap-tap enter.

Our team leader, Rikki, gives us a brief safety orientation. "Please do not walk around the compound perimeter at night," he warns. "The guards will not know it's you and we want to take everyone home who came with us."

The smallest victims

We're getting settled in our tents when we hear someone yell, "We need a nurse!" We have two nurses in our four-person tent. I follow the nurses to what I thought was a crumbling storehouse.

The scene looks like something out of a holocaust movie: concrete floor. bare light bulbs. urine stench. gaunt children in blood-soaked bandages lying on cots...

New Life makeshift clinic.  Lori Bailey photo

It's actually a makeshift hospital for the earthquake's youngest victims - brought here because there was nowhere else to take them.

A baby burned on the top half of her body when a pot of boiling water spilled in the earthquake needs her bandages changed. A nurse snaps on rubber gloves. I watch for a second and then do the same - there's no one else to help.

  

In that moment, I'm no longer just a journalist. "Scissors. bandages," the nurse gives instructions and I run back and forth grabbing supplies off rickety wooden benches being used as shelves.

The nurse quickly attends to patient after patient. I follow - sometimes just giving a sip of water to a boy with a broken leg; other times creating crude patient charts out of notebook paper.  Frequently I'm trying to hide my tears. Haiti has already begun to steal my heart.

To read part 2, click here.

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See...

Zoe Saldana in "Avatar." 

Heading home from the midwest.  After the icestorm, blizzard and freezing temps, I can't wait to hit the beach! Even 2,000 miles away from Hollywood though, I couldn't escape its influence.

After being snowed in more than a day, we decided to venture out to the theater in my sister's SUV. I was outvoted on which movie to see. Avatar 3D: 5 votes; Princess & the Frog: 1 vote.

The sci-fi flick tells the story of a blue-skinned tribe whose planet is threatened by humans. It follows two characters' journey from enemies to lovers.

When they first meet, the Na'vi being calls the Avatar/human man foolish. "You don't see," she tells him.

As I sat in the theater adjusting my 3D glasses, I kept thinking about that line for some reason.

James Cameron, the director who brought Titanic to the big screen, started developing Avatar nearly 15 years ago. Cameron said he couldn't produce the movie until now because, "technology needed to catch up."

Fifteen years from conception to realization.

"I see you," the Na'vi woman and the Avatar whisper after falling in love.

Zoe Saldana. Photo:  Plastic Pals

So maybe that's the point - love sees. Sees the craftsman who carries a dream for years without quitting even though the tools don't yet exist to bring it to life. Sees the pioneer who embraces the unseen, believing one day there will be a finished product. Sees the artist who, though the vision tarries, waits for it.

As we left the theater I thought, "I, too, want to see."

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